My sunday best

Do you ever wonder what the effects of today will have on tomorrow? Do you think about the action but don't really know of the true long term consequences? I always find myself stressing over what today will do for tomorrow. More often then not the next day will pass followed by a few more and the stress is gone. Thank goodness for the ease placed on my heart over a certain period of time. I know it's not the end of the world making decisions but it can sometimes feel that way. The reason I say this is because I've finally realized the long term consequences of choices I didn't know would actually have a positive outcome.

A dear friend of mine has walked back into my life and made me think of the choices I made way back when. We were really close but polar opposites in every way and that is still true to this day. I am a mormon girl who goes to church every Sunday and I don't think twice about it. I am set on my decision to be drug and alcohol free for life and don't play with that fire. Don't get me wrong, I lack a lot in my life but smoking and drinking will never be a temptation to me. As for my friend, being German and us both in high school, he loved his culture. Spending his weekends downtown and just sitting in the local bar making conversation was comfortable for him. Every invitation he made for me to join was politely turned down but secretly, it killed me inside. For one I wanted to hang out with my friend as much as possible and I just wanted an invitation that wasn't to go downtown or hang out and watch him play PS3. For two, I didn't want to hear that my friend was still deciding to go downtown and emerge himself in the pleading danger asking for trouble. Nonetheless, I never said yes and we drifted apart. He continued on with what he did and we graduated high school as acquaintances without talking for a year and a half.

You wouldn't even guess that to my surprise he found my phone number and called me late one night while I was In Rexburg up with late night homework. He told me about how he was going into basic training and he was moving with the flow of life all too excited to be a part of the Army's best. That was the last time we could talk before he went in. I was told we would be out of touch for at least 6 months where we should then finally meet back in person. It was an even bigger surprise when I got word from him just a couple months later that he was medically discharged from the Army for the same injury he had when we first became really close. A dislocated shoulder acquired from a wrestling incident became the very reason he would be here today.

As for my side of the story. It isn't a physical injury that I had to play with to bring me to where I am today but choices of yes and no. During my first meeting with my friend I wasn't surprise to hear that he was still inviting me downtown. After all the no's I've given him it's still his comfort zone. I continued to tell him my answer won't change and that's when I heard something I would've never thought to hear from this now grown man. He actually said that he admired that I was unwavering in that aspect and if he were more like me in high school he wouldn't have had to learn some of the lessons he did. Dumping our friendship for the girl spreading rumors about me in high school hurt for a bit but I never regret standing up for all that my parents have taught. Saying no to someone I would've died for, even after getting hurt, was just a small price to pay for that one sentence that came out of his mouth that night. Heaven knows that if I would've known this positive outcome even with a 3 years wait, I would've stood up and shouted "NO!" from every rooftop in every village I could drive to. I would've even said no to a few other guys who weren't asking me to drink or smoke but were asking me to belittle myself. I would've said yes more often to the few people who lifted me up and showed me how to respect myself. And this isn't to get out all the "I would've if I could've because I should've," it's the profound impact that turning down loved ones for the right thing has had on my life.

Do you know what's most amazing? I know I'm not alone. I was convinced all my years in high school that I was alone but it was never true. I now feel obligated to apologize to the few readers I have for talking about my past once again. I think every entry I've posted has been about reflection in some way but right now all I know is where I've been and where I hope to be.

I know my life is no where close to over but this self reflection is keeping me alive and keeps me straight. I love that I was blessed this past week with the face of a dear friend though not like me has lifted me up and encourages me to walk tall in his own weird way. I don't even think he knows it. I hope that five years down the road and every five years after that I can reflect like I do now and be confident in every choice I've made. When in the moment I usually feel like a failure or a bad nightmare that nothing good would come out of but it has. Even the small choices count. I'm sober for life, drug free and know the areas I need to work on. I got friends out of it and lessons I wouldn't do over for anything. Both good and bad things have pushed me along but I can testify it's up to you whether you are being pushed for good or bad.

I know I am a daughter of God and I have worth beyond worldly price. I am here to do all I can do and be that influence that will hopefully show my friend that some things aren't worth learning. We can all guard ourselves against the things that would threaten our self esteem and lower our value. Once upon a time you chose to follow the same beliefs I choose today. We all wanted to be here in the same world together and grow. I just hope we all can remember that and live for the moment looking towards the morrow. There isn't just one path for us. we can be happy in many different directions but you have to discern the paths that are better than rest. I love you all and hope you find all of the answers you are looking for. I hope you find the joy in living and are just as happy about your past as you are about the future.

Forever here for you,

-Ani

My Manic Monday

In my dreams, I dream of love, vacations, people I haven't seen in forever and people I've never met. I dream of fighting and the things I'm scared of. I dream of the future and I dream of the past. Last night however was the first night I've dreamt about being mad. Sure I've experienced jealousy quite often in my dreams but never mad. It was so involved that I woke up just as mad. That wasn't so good since my mom woke me up and I couldn't respond. I was consumed with hate and I couldn't function.

My dream started off pleasant, I was shopping with the family planning our trip to Illinois and my dad's promotion ceremony. A day just like every other day. Then for some strange reason, we were walking around the old housing units on the base continuing our talk of the ceremony but I get bored and walk away. I'm now in the abandoned building trying to find a bathroom but I can still hear the talk of the crowd word for word as I walk up the very well lit stairwell to the 3rd floor where I find the bathroom. I start thinking about what I'm afraid of most and before I even finish my thought, that very thing happens. Someone sneaks up behinds me and grabs my ankles. Of course I scream and look to see who it is. It is a girl I have never met but she means no harm. She just touched my ankles and with a smug look slowly draws away apparently pleased with herself. I am more mad at the smug look than the fact that she scared me. At that moment I knew, I am definitely the kind of person that when put in a scary situation would go running towards the action with a metal baseball bat instead of cowering waiting for it to come back to kill me. In the mist of me yelling at her and planning the course of retaliation, my mother comes to ask me a question. Sorry mom that you had to ask a few times just to walk away without me answering. I was just so mad I couldn't stand it. I even thought about opening my mouth to tell you how mad I was at this woman I didn't know but I had a feeling you'd laugh and I was too mad to laugh :)

After I had finally woken up and shook off the emotions, it was "up and at 'em." Running to and fro like a chicken with my head cut off but the first stop was the health clinic. It used to be my summer job and it was interesting being back seeing all of the change. It wasn't even a few minutes after I sat down that one of the specialists I worked with was right there making conversation and telling me how the local Shopette burned down monday morning. That was a shock but turned into a very interesting detail as the visit went on. My brother walks into his appointment to be screened with dear Martin. Martin is quite a funny guy and my brother thinks he is the best. Temperature checked and blood pressure measured, the fire alarm starts to go off. In our temporary unit for the clinic, we just thought something got hit and it was a fake alarm. To our surprise it wasn't. We were directed outside where you could see smoke coming out of the break room and the smell of burned toast fresh in the air. Now when I say smoke, I don't mean a little stream. Whoever burned their toast REALLY burned their toast and mushroom clouds came our of the back corner. As you can imagine, this was taken very seriously due to the fire on the previous day. Mahonri got some good laughs out of it and that was just the beginning. Upon our return, we walked in to the room where Mahonri was partially screened and Martin has a few things to say. First, he talks across the hall before shutting the door, "Hey, go make me some toast!" that was just hilarious if you could see the way Martin holds himself and knowing Emerson, the person he was talking to. Giggles all around, and the door is shut. Not too long and the screening is done, Martin is walking away closing his notes when he realizes multiple internet windows are still open. As he hurries to close his windows, the only excuse heard was, "How did that get there?!" Goodbye Martin, goodbye entertainment for the next little bit.

The day drones on and I'm running around trying to figure out why the internet will not work, it was crucial to my being prepared for practice but there was no luck until after I got home. I did get in quite the work out as I ran around the entire Kapaun base. After teaching and directing dances, cheers, chants and jumps it is definitely apparent that I, Stephani Ray......have a sock tan. How depressing! I'll have to change that before the sun goes away. But I'm also praying the sun goes away fast. German houses were not made for 90 degree weather. Less than half are actually capable of keeping winters livable without complaint so the sun is definitely a new battle. Windows open all day and fans blowing in the right spots for circulation aren't even helping in the slightest and with everything closed it's like an oven! How strange for Germany. Call it global warming or whatever you will, we just call it miserable. At least Germany still has Pride and Prejudice mornings going for itself, though. I love waking up early and walking outside to a living set of the final scenes from P&P. Fields going on for miles and the fog lightly resting upon them. The sun gazes in and all that's missing is my Mr. Darcy. Oh, Mr. Darcy... Where could you be hiding?!

Well my days are interesting to say the least but it goes on without fail! The second hand on the clock never stops so it pushes the minute and hour hand along. Consequently, I am pulled along with it all. If only time could stop or better yet jump to where I want it to go. How does next April sound? Fabulous to me. But until we find that scientific pleasure, I will coach, work, clean and watch my chick flicks every night to get me through the days.

Goodnight to all and to all a goodnight

-Ani

Back to business

Now that I've been back home for a few weeks, it's time to start working. No, I may not have my job back just yet but in the meantime I work where I can. I work at home and I work out :)

Cheer season has come to an open and just after a few days my muscles are sore and my joints are yelling. After a sprint triathlon and a Lazy Ironman, I really didn't think I was this out of shape. That was less than a month ago! At least I know first hand how the girls are feeling. Coaches are there to teach, to ensure safety and to make better. However, I do not believe it's right to make players do the things you are not willing to do so I am right there with them. With every step they run and every move they make they know I am not far behind in making sure they are doing it right and staying honest. We are even hitting the season off with a new hip hop routine never seen before, choreographed by yours truly. They are all fast learners and I cannot wait to see them strike it out for the crowd. I know they will do great.

The girls are awesome and I love being back. Along with the swing of cheer is the swing of cleaning. Now that it's moving time, it's cleaning time. The Ray's are having to go through our storage and see what is good to keep and what we don't need anymore. I'm really glad I am here for this part, surprisingly. I've always wanted to go through the old boxes we haven't looked at in 7 years and find memories and pictures that might actually be worthwhile in collecting our personal history for future generations. I've found fabulous family pictures, old certificates, letters to myself and to others that I never sent. I love every moment of searching through boxes of seeming trash to find the things that mean the most.

It hasn't been until I've gotten to reflect on my past that I've gotten anxious for the future. I've made stupid mistakes and there are plenty more to be made but I don't think I can ever be as stupid as I once was now that I've learned from experience. Even the most painful memories and realizations have occurred recently to make me even more excited to move on towards the better future. What a blessing! The best part about the future is deciding for myself and for no one else. Yes, people in my life play a big part but they don't always know what's best for me and their wishes are different than mine. I must say, all my dreams are coming true and the ones I love are watching first hand.

The Ray family is growing together and we are laughing along the way. Officially, Illinois is in our near future. We shall be moving from Germany back the the United states sometime around June. As for me, I will be going back to school in January but only for one semester. I will have the pleasure to assist my family in their big move putting me back to enjoy Europe more in April. Deferring the spring semester will leave me away until the following Winter. BYU-I, you sure will be missed but I'm sure you'll understand when you find out how much I benefit from helping my family rather than myself.

So, all is well and tomorrow is bright.

-Ani

Walking taco Wednesday

During our mother-daughter time on Monday night, my mother and I decided that "Taco Tuesday" is out and "Walking-Taco Wednesday" is in. Besides the fact that it is a quick and easy meal, it feeds a family of 6 on just $10. So with no further ado, rhyme or reason, this is my WALKING-TACO WEDNESDAY.

Dr Seuss had a lot of words to say about wacky wednesday and I now know why. There is just something about themed Wednesdays that make people (and animals) go bonkers! It all started just after midnight. Our opening scene is set in my parents' bedroom where we have a TV running football movies to hype up my brother, Mahonri, so he will be excited about the up coming football season and realize his potential. We have my mother sitting in bed playing a card game on her iPhone which has become a ritual that helps her fall asleep since her bed is not as comfortable when there are 4 kids in there with her. The lights are out and alex creeps in worming his way to the middle. A 9-yr old during the summer time is restless at best but his next move he wishes he didn't make. With just a slight move left, now sitting up, I get the chance to weasel my way in right underneath him and push him to the foot of the bed. I will admit, I was not helping the sleeping situation even for those who have work in the morning but I will never be too old to crawl in bed and kick my brother out of the spot next to my mother. I just love her so.

ALAS, the craziness goes on! The movie continues and Alex can't sit still so he is commanded to settle or leave. After much contemplation and various attempts to get back in his spot, or at least squeeze comfortably between me and my mother, Alexander the Great and Wonderful decides it's time to leave. I don't like that one bit, mischievous could very well be his middle name but I leave him be for now. A few minutes later, the movie is over and it's time to get in my bed. I walk down the hall and low and behold, my dear sweet brother took his revenge by taking my spot in my very own bed. "BLASPHEME" is the only word that comes to mind but after a long night already and my mother finally asleep, my brother slides over and we quickly fall in slumber.

The morning comes and to my mothers' surprise, it's just her and Mahonri in her bed. Alex and I might have fought to the death and disappeared or been kidnapped to her very wish but with a walk down the hall, she sees we are both still there and the time has come to wake up. Oliver is at our feet and the struggle goes on between my brother and me. I sit him up and toss him out of bed because words are never enough to get him up and ready. Simeon is ready and Alex half way there, so my mother informs me she's leaving which means 30 more minutes of sleep for me :)

I finally get up and take my brother to practice and I myself head back home remembering I left the straightener on... That never happens! Wednesday strikes with harmful blows to the heart but it hasn't killed me yet. I then proceed to the climbing walls where I get to be with the 11-yr old girls in our stake to talk about the Young Women and Personal Progress programs that they are about to become a part of in the near future. Besides seeing the curiosity and wonder in those young girls eyes, the best part of the day was being with the Jacksons. Sister Jackson and Anne are always a delight to see even just in passing but it's even better to see them for a time to work, walk and talk together. However, all good things come to a temporary end at some point so It's time to go find Mahonri after practice.

After unsuccessfully looking for a certain Coach of who we call Debra, I find cheerleaders! Old and new but no Debra. I even find people who can't bare to look me in the eye but Coach Hipes is no where to be found. She forgot to tell me in our 5 years together that she has a brother and sister she doesn't talk about... Carmen, who's middle name is ironically 'San Diego' and her brother, Waldo who I believe is the last man alive on earth that looks good in stripes and isn't convicted of any crimes. Not to mention even if convicted of crimes, it would be hard to find him! I was informed that I will have better luck finding her when she is actually in Europe which means the search will go on tomorrow.

With no debra in sight, I find my brother and we rush home in the heat but it is just too irresistible. I find my towel and my bathing suit, hoping for a kiss from the sun. Roxy and I lay out to enjoy it while we can but before long I look up and realize we are not alone. Oliver joined us and Mahonri looked out but the boys cannot handle the sun. Both stay in the shade then left us be so we could soak up some Vitamin D which is very useful in keeping us happy even when moods swing faster and better than professional dancers.

30 minutes later with Roxanne panting, we rehydrate and dance to some music. The boys soon leave to mutual activities at the stake center leaving my mother and I with a grocery list and a plan to finish our Walking-Taco Wednesday. We only have a few things on the list but of course we come out with a load. Roxy taught me some good moves, of course, and I couldn't help but dance down every isle. People stare and think I'm crazy but the thrill of our themed Wednesday is getting in my soul so without embarrassment I continue and don't bother to control my body.

Finally out of the store and arrived at home, I greet Roxanne with a smile. I tell her I forgot to buy her food so she groans and shows me her teeth. My dad always said that's her way of smiling but this smile meant that since she didn't have food, she was going to eat me! I say I'm sorry and call her outside to show her I bought only the best dog food ever. I then turn around and see that she's in the car. What on Earth is she doing in the car? I have no idea! She just jumped in and curled up in protest saying she wasn't going to leave. I kissed at, I called, I whistled, and pet her but she wouldn't move! I had to close all but two doors, one for me to get in and the other to push her out. After 20 minutes she was finally out but still not talking to me. After all we went through today in bonding and girl time, it just wasn't enough to compensate for what I had said to make her mad.

So the day is finally winding down but dinner hasn't been made. The center of our Walking-Taco Wednesday isn't even on the stove yet. So my mother cooks it up, my father comes home and we enjoy our delicious dish. The last wacky thing to come out of Alex's mouth was an apology for sleeping in my bed. I reassured him he didn't have to be sorry and he was welcome anytime. My full size bed is way too empty for just me in the dark. Then to my pleasure (but really dismay), the wackiness finally stops. I suppose our fabulous meal would not let us rest until we completed our task in enjoying our dinner together.

I admit, that though it was mostly mind-boggling weird and hectically disordered, I wouldn't have this day any other way. Walking-Taco Wednesday will always be welcomed in my home to spice up our lives by enjoying the simple things. Whether near or far, the Ray family loves you all and we invite you to our next Walking-Taco Wednesday to be determined by the mother. Our door is always open to you wonderful people and we wish you safety until we meet again.

-Ani &&The Ray family

The girl who can't say no

Have you seen 27 Dresses? Well if you haven't let me fill you in because in good and bad ways I find myself much like the main character who never says no.

Anyone who knows me also knows that I really don't ever say no, much like the movie clipping but maybe not as extreme. Whether it's a long list of errands, parties to be planned short notice or having some comfort time with the girls in the middle of hectic exam week, I just do not say no that often. So I was thinking with the help of "This Is Me Challenge," what are some things that I absolutely cannot say no to? Taking out the usuals, I still found the list was pretty long so I'm narrowing it down to a top 10. But even before I get to my "no list" I wanted to reflect on things I have a hard time accepting or saying 'yes' to.

Here are my top five things I just cannot accept (or say yes to):

1. Goodbyes. Don't tell me you are leaving because I am just not a believer. Call it optimism or call it denial, I would much rather say "Until we meet again."

2. Boys in skinny jeans. Not attractive, end of story.

3. Making choices. I can narrow things down but I can never choose between 'A' and 'B'. I'd much rather have some really good advice that helps me make a clear decision or someone to decide after I've narrowed it down. I even used to consult a Magic Eight Ball when decisions got rough.

4. Fish. I don't like eating fish, I don't like swimming with fish, I don't like the smell of fish.

5. "Will you be my girlfriend?" I don't know if I'm picky and I don't know if it's commitment issues but very few times have I ever said yes without going home and laying out the pros and cons of me being with a boy even if I knew it was coming and I liked him a lot. Weird? Maybe. It's not like he's asking me to marry him but I just can't accept it at first. Love isn't a battlefield I like to step into all that often.

And now for my 'no list', it isn't perfect or set in stone but these are a few things I wouldn't say no to... ever.

Things I CANNOT say "NO" to:

1. A hug, the number one most comforting thing whether I am happy or sad. I will choose a hug over breathing itself and I just can't say no, no matter who it may be.

2. A good dessert. Just as comforting as a hug but isn't always the best for me in the long run. Sugar overload is the very thing I try to stay away from but there is always sugar in my system.

3. Clothing. I'm a bargain hunter and rarely buy clothes unless they are on sale but even when I'm can't afford a candy bar, I love to go to the mall and just try on clothes that are cute, ugly, expensive, tacky and especially soft. I'm a sucker for mix-mathcing and finding new ideas from clothes I will never buy.

4. Dancing. I would be lying if I told you I didn't want to dance. Even when I'm tired, sick or past curfew, I can't say no to "just one dance." It brings a smile to my face and all of my best memories have something to do with a dance. Sweep me off my feet? I don't mind if you do.

5. Stars. I used to be obsessed with stars in my younger years and found it fascinating just being under them. Late at night it's where I clear my mind and contemplate things that make my head throb, good or bad I will never say no to the stars.

6. Puddle Stomping/splashing in fountains. In my opinion, you should always be ready to get wet. If I ever use the excuse about my hair just being done, my clothing being brand new or any other bogus phrase, I hope you tell me how ridiculous I sound. I am not one to care about my hair or being wet. I love dancing in the rain, stomping freezing puddles of Germany in flip flops and especially splashing in public fountains. I'm blessed with European fountains everywhere and even if it gets me in trouble, I'm willing to run for just one splash dance with a sculpture.

7. A whisper. I am stubborn and don't respond to yelling but if you ask sincerely with a gentle voice, I'm likely (as long as it doesn't put me in danger physically or spiritually) to drop everything for you. Especially when in a heated discussion, I will forget it all with the cry of a whisper

8. Disney. Walt and I were best friends in another life and I feel the need to keep our friendship alive by enjoying everything his "once upon a time" dream has turned in to. He has left his everything in good hands and they are making fabulous movies, attractions and thrill rides. Where would I be without Walt? I don't even want to think about it!

9. Friends and family. It's broad but it's true. If you need help I will make it work the best I can. If I'm not trying all that hard I must be really exhausted or don't know where to start but there are no excuses for you guys.

My number ten could be in part with number nine but I feel like it deserves it's own acknowledgment :)

10. Alexis Villanueva. I can count the number of times I've had to say no to you on one hand and those are not good memories! I adore living and working with you in all our endeavors from school to church callings and even apartment decor. I can't say no to a nice venting session and I definitely can't say no to a good laugh. We get caught up in the sweet life and cool plans we can dream up and it's great. I could say a lot of things to you and entrust you with my secrets but the hardest thing I could ever say to you would be one word with two letters that rhyme with "low."

-Ani

Personal History

I had the pleasure of attending a "Personal and Family History" class just yesterday with the dear Relief Society sisters in my ward last night and I learned quite a lot. I've taken the introductory class to family history about 4 times so nothing really new in that area but I do think someone somewhere wants me to jump on it and get it done. With my Grandparents getting older and their health wavering, now is the time to take over and get that work done. Time is only passing thus distancing me from my ancestors that are waiting to be found. But that's a topic for a whole other blog. Back to the class... We learned a lot of ways to keep personal history too. Lo and behold, BLOGGING was one way, even a major way, to keep personal history. I was way excited to hear that since it's only been about a week that I've been blogging seriously and even with my failed blogs before, they have left things I would've forgotten if I didn't type them up.

I learned that even with my failed blogs, and even worse my failed journals, writing just once a year will still leave insight and things to be found. I wish my great great great great great great great... times a few more, great grandparents had the pleasure of having the resources and documentation we do today. I have left my mark in a lot of ways especially with internet use, considering once online it never goes off. To think, I have all of this and I don't even need work done for me. I will, however, have stories to be remembered by. It's a wonderful thing to do Family History but it's hard when you don't have resources or documents proving that you are alive. I guess you could say this blog then is indeed proving that I am alive :)

I was also introduced to the idea of using Journal Prompts to get my journal going again. There is a WONDERFUL site that is used to prompt mostly blogging and scrap booking but it's good for journal use too. It's called, This is me Challenge. Located one at http://thisismechallenge.blogspot.com/ and another at http://ldsthisismechallenge.blogspot.com/ for those of LDS faith looking for more spiritual and religion related prompts. Earlier this week, Journal Prompts were only things given in English class to make me write and then be graded based on what I wrote but now it's a whole new world and a different kind of cool. It's so fun even just to look at so I hope you check it out and enjoy yourself.

I was told once upon a time that journaling isn't just about what happens during the day but how you feel and the little things that you wouldn't remember without writing them down. Just the other day I found a journal entry about when I had just gotten back together with an ex boyfriend for the second time. (I have this history of dating my ex's more than once but this one stuck in my mind and apparently my journal too for some reason). It was the only time I remember actually doing what I was told and I wrote down how I felt. I never thought I would be looking back today wishing I had done it more. My entry talked about the risk I was taking seeing as how I've dated many ex's more than once and didn't know if this one was going to end any better. All of those feelings burst back to me like I was actually there. Just before reading it, I would've never thought to remember the feelings of risk I was taking. What an experience! And even though those weren't all good feelings, I felt remarkably glad that I felt it again. Never want to feel pain twice? Well I think that with an older mind it wasn't about the pain but the things I learned. In my opinion, everyone should find joy in their past and take the opportunity to keep your own personal history... today!

And yes, you don't always see the blessings in tedious things at first but I know for a fact you will see them later. Some times I enjoy the realization just a week or two down the road while other experiences take longer but I know it comes for sure.

I look forward to blogging and the fun challenges given to me in prompts and life's adventures. I also hope this benefits more than just me but even if I'm writing to no one, it still makes me happy and I'm leaving my mark for something or someone not here yet.

Tender love and care,
-Ani

Loving You Tonight

Music always inspires me but today I fell in love with a ballad of joy. This is what plays my heartstrings, enjoy!



-Ani

What you'll find in the hills of Germany

Location: Sambach, Germany

In the hills of Germany you can find many things, after all every hill is different. But I've found today that there are some things about the hills that never change no matter what village you are in. Whether is it Frankenstein, Landstuhl, Enkenbach or Sambach you will always find certain things. You will find grass and tress, moss and fallen branches. You find bugs and rodents and a lot of dirt. No matter how many times you've been down a certain trail, you will one day find there is something there you have been missing the past 20 times you've been there. You will find paths well trodden but a very good secret. You will find peace and quite. You will find yourself thinking and enjoying the breeze. You will find many others working and you'll find some hiding. You'll find people doing exactly what you came to do. You'll find walkers and runners, old and young. Mostly, you will find that the best time of your life is spent getting lost in the woods, lost in the potential and lost in your thoughts.

You will find pure beauty you don't take advantage of. You'll make a friend of inanimate objects as crazy as that sounds. The hills become your therapist that helps to clear your mind. They become your gym and your happy place, your confidence and your joy. They enwrap you with comfort and keep a history unread in books. They hold memories of all kinds and record your every move. More often than not, these hills are my dance studio inspiring me and feeding me passion.

These hills are home to many and it is home to me. In this beautiful country there is no reason not to shout it from roof tops that I'm blessed in this way. I was also blessed with the beauty both mountain and desert in Idaho but this is a beauty I will always call home.

Just a bunch of... ANIMALS!

Today has been an exciting day in the Ray home, there is a lot of change going on. The morning started off quiet and peaceful. I enjoyed waking up to find it was nearly noon, my door was still shut, the lights still off and it was still dark. Thank goodness for German windows that block out light when you have the shades down. Close near my side was my precious baby Oliver. We've had him nearly 3 years now and he is just more cuddly than usual this morning. So I decided I needed to introduce him to the world.... along with all of our other "pets" in this family :)

There is OLIVER. My orphan kitty who loves the outdoors. He is a master hunter and will pounce at anything his size or smaller. Indoors, he loves to massage my father's leather couches (which is not good) so he is confined to the bedroom we share. He has a Full sized bed to himself all day and gets to cuddle with me when I am at home and he takes a break from hunting and playing outside. This is my baby:

Next we have our fish... None of them have names but each have a personality of their own. Some times it seems like a stereotypical high school for fish. We have the chill fish, our neon fish (my favorite) who are almost like the stoners. so laid back that it is unreal. You don't touch them and they stay far away from you, but all four are always together. The class bully, the little orange fish that is always chasing the girls around. Such a jerk but the girls don't hate him... for the most part. He gets annoying at times but they put up with it and it's quite interesting to watch. You have the mother figure who is the biggest of them all and rules the place but with all her "control" there is always possibility for open rebellion which might happen sooner than later. All of her followers, the second biggest fish both girls and they are always in the corner now. Don't know why maybe they think they're better than everyone else ;) The other little fish just roam around as if they have no click but they do. In not having a popular click, they have formed their own click. Then there are the constantly multiplying freshmen. You get more and more every year, in this case everyday, and they are quickly molded into their own comfort zones and groups of habit. They aren't bigger than a skittle and their brave souls are already testing the waters. The true test is if they last long enough to grow bigger. It's a fish eat fish world in our little tank and the little ones get eaten alive in there!

My sweet needy dog Roxy is up next. We received her after much heartache when we bought two baby black and white Border Collies from a breeder in France. The sweet pups were everything we wanted and we fell in love within the hour. After getting their papers and seeing it was a dream come true, our short time with them was traumatic. The breeder lied about them having their shots and being dewormed so they came down with polio within the week. They didn't make it through the next few days. In remorse and battle with these false breeders, we got two replacement dogs one of them being Roxanne the other here cousin Max. We thought it was clever naming them the lovers in a Goofy Movie and both were adorable but they quickly became a handful! Mischievous and free spirited, they were always up to no good. Long story short we gave Max to a family near by and took Roxanne with us to our next two new houses and we grew to the family we are today with Roxy a big part of our family no matter how much trouble she gets into.

Lastly, We have our PARTY ANIMALS! I have mentioned them in my previous post but it's time you get to know them, I have a feeling they will be the source of entertainment during my stay here in Germany and you will be hearing a lot about them. So we have seven children in the Ray family, the oldest Cody with his wife Michelle, Spencer is the second oldest followed by Sara and then me. Four years after me is Mahonri a "junior and a half" he says since he has more credits than everyone else here at Kaiserslautern High School. Then comes 12 yr old Simeon finding himself and his place in the family trying to fit in like we all do. Last is our baby Alexander who is not such a baby anymore, nearly ten and he is the center of our laughter most of the time because he has the best humor. While the parties aren't given out in invitation form, it only takes but a second for us to all get up and dance around like the party won't stop all night. Today was especially one of those days! Cleaning up means music. Music means dancing. Music and dancing is best done to The Party Rock Anthem. So forget the chores, "We PARTY ROCK!!!"



Four minutes and a half later, we are all out of breath but wrapped up in the moment we can't stop there. More dances are done before we call it quits and prepare for the missionaries to come over for dinner. It is always pleasant visiting with missionaries but I've realized today that they are now the same age as me. I never thought I would see this day. Missionaries were always older than me and ALWAYS there. Now they are still here but they are just like me. I don't know if I can handle being older than missionary men. This is the sad realization that I am, in fact, growing old.

Just as a close, this party rockin' family is faced with a big decision. With my father's big promotion comes the inevitable move we must make. We can move anywhere between now and October 2012. We must decide soon, not only when but to where we must go. Washington, Virginia, Illinois, Texas, Korea? So many choices and pros vs cons. I think our family has come to liking Illinois and Texas for various reasons but now we must find further good and bad things that will entice us to go there or draw us away. We are diving into a big step and praying for help to know what's best. Just to receive confirmation that our choices are good would be a blessing beyond measure. As to the next adventure for the Ray family, I will keep you posted. Until then Auf Wiedersehen!

-Ani

A new dawn, a new blog.

Just an update, I'm back in Germany after my second year in college which was spent at Brigham Young University Idaho. I decided my other blog was kind of dark and depressing so I'm just going to start over rather than try to fix the broken. It's strange to think I've been back a week already because time is flying fast! I've been taking things easy with the family and cleaning up my messes I left when I was last here. The routine goes that I live here until I have to go to college but don't pack anything until the week before I leave and even then it's not packing, I just throw things in plastic boxes with my name on it. So, I decided I'll do it right this time. I went through every box I had, threw away the un-needed and boxed the good memories and things I could really use later in life. Let me tell you how fun that was! The usual daunting and frightening task was surprisingly pleasant with a walk down memory lane. Sadly I did not take picture of the before but the aftermath of the mess that was once here is a phenomenal difference. I've organized just about everything I own and this is never the case in my life but it feels great! Of the few years I've been here, I've finally found a perfect arrangement for my room and I hung the first picture on my bedroom wall, this is also a first in my life. I guess you could say I'm used to changing furniture or houses just to keep the change flowing so putting things on the wall promotes disappointing permanence that will never be awarded. Thankfully, for the time being this permanence, even if it ends in disappointment, it's welcomed with open arms and is here for a little while.

Other changes that have been occurring in my life could just go on in list form but I like to talk about it so I'll spell it out for you. We found out on Thursday August 4th, 2011 that my father Brent Russell Ray is being promoted in the near future to CW5. He has reached the highest he can go in his career with the Army and we are very proud of him. We were comparing ranks since he is a Warrant Officer, he is on a different level than those who have enlisted but he is now the equivalent to a Colonel and that makes him smile :) You should see how big his smile is, there is no help for you when you are around him you just have to give in and smile too. It's a mystery why just a few years ago we had such trouble together. My rebel soul and his stubbornness just doesn't make sense anymore. This is the family I have grown to love and we will spend eternity together. YIPEE!!!

On a more sad note, my brother Spencer is about reached his end of tour here in Germany so that means he will be leaving us in the next few months to go stateside. It is a happier thought though that he seems to have a nice plan going for him. Plans for a car, how to finance things just right so he can buy things he wants and needs. I should be taking notes, it sounds splendid when it comes out of his mouth. However, in the mix of all these plans is also a deployment to Afghanistan. Not for awhile but still not pleasant no matter how good he makes it sound, he will still be missed when he leaves.

My dear sweet mother is doing just fine, my first day back I convinced her to look at dresses with me and my dad spoiled us with two dresses each and a skirt and shirt set for my mother. *I would like to add in that when I say my dad spoiled us it was really my dad saying my mother should get a new dress and my mom gave in and paid for the lot ;)* They are all beautiful and my dad has caught me "playing dress up" as he calls it in the early morning hours when I can't sleep. Call it what you will, I feel beautiful and you can't stop me! haha, I've even found some cute styles for my hair so it's all around successful time spend while others are sleeping.

Mahonri and Simeon both got haircuts which is quite different. The Mahonri I left would go kicking and screaming into the barber shop because he loved his long hair more than anything else. Just last week he cut it all off willingly and looks older if I do say so myself. Simeon quickly followed and both are stunning young priesthood holders. Alex has not gotten a haircut yet but my dad thinks he likes the way Mo and Sim look so I'm sure he is to follow suit here shortly. But for now even with the long hair he is still adorable king of our hearts while Sim assists mo in giving him swirlies :)

So over all the Ray family is doing good even Michelle and Sadie came to visit this weekend and we enjoyed that. Cody is to come home soon and we all look forward to that day, if only we could say the same about Sara. Sara is freshly graduated from Arizona State and looking into Weber state for a suitable Masters Program that is worthy of her presence. It will be hard to be worthy for my passionate sister but if she does settle there they will be greatly blessed.

There are Great memories all around the great motherland of Germany but it is quite strange to think of all the fun times I've had here when I was growing up and finding myself. It wasn't but seven months ago that I was still venturing on that road and hit quite a few brick walls, it is surely nice to be back with a fresh start knowing that anything is possible and I'm strong enough to handle it with dignity and endure it with my accountability. It's hard to think about "growing up" because heaven knows I still am but I have come a long ways from even a month ago. My mind is sound and my heart is full.

Lastly, I have a lot to be thankful for. There has been a lot of talk in the past few days of the need to be thankful and with all this time to myself cleaning I've come to realize just how much I've been given. At the expense of time, money and emotional exhaustion my mother has given me everything I have for nearly 20 years. In a time where divorce rates are high, health is fading and where families and individuals around the world are giving in to the tough circumstances we are the generation resulting in failing families, shattered lives and a world of dishonesty. I am so lucky to have the family I have in using every moment of their own lives to teach not only truth but Gospel truths. Everything good and useful I have ever learned, it has come from my parents who have stuck through it all even when we seemed to be falling ourselves and that is a rare thing I am a proud witness of. I'm grateful for my siblings because annoying at best they are engraved in my heart. Just as good, my second family, the Hadley's, have taken me in just prior to me coming home and I've had the privilege to see another great family at work that have been so kind to me. It was a pleasure truly to not only see but to act a part of this fabulous family with sweet spirits and unforgettable smiles. I even got to beat Grandpa at his own game and that was a simple delight. All the things I am grateful for could not all be listed but everything in my life is a blessing no matter if others think it to be a curse. From a failed relationship I found two very good friends Jake Munns and Leif Boren. I would always try to sneak word in about a certain someone but you let me do it and helped me through it all. I will never forget the words you said when I need it most. Especially dear Leif who on multiple occasions would say just the simplest things that would have me reevaluating my life so i can be better for someone else. But alas, the fun not serious times full of pure bliss are stuck in my mind forever. I've truly been blessed with dear friends and fantastic roommates that I just so happened to fall in with by chance of a change contract. It isn't by mistake and I will never forget them. The great Villanueva's have been very dear to me at the times when I wasn't able to be back with my family and it's always relaxing and joyful being around them. A crazy funny family that is stable and striving in all of their trials. I've learned so much from them in just a short time and I'm proud to say Papi is just as close as my own father and i've gained two more brothers out of that family too. Alexis and Ashlynn, I cannot WAIT to see you girls again but it's sooner than later and there is no getting out of it ;) Lastly I would like to express my deep gratitude for my dearest friend Erik Jackson who even though I was difficult and fickle at times, he was true to his priesthood first and foremost, my best friend second. It has been quite the ride and long at that but it will be another nine months until I see you again and I know you're having the time of your life. I admire your diligence and how hard you work, I am so very proud to even call you a friend and wait for the moment I can see your smile in person again.

For everyone I love I say Stay Strong and Endure to the End
-Ani Ray