Prep time: 10 minutes

CONFESSION! I'm a pinner. I just love pinterest but there is one thing I hate about it. Every recipe I pin claims to be super easy so I just sit and dream about it all day. It's all great and dandy until it my dreams become reality and it's supposed to be the best thing ever... right? PSYCH! The biggest lie I've ever been told can be summed up in 4 words. It's even worse than "We need to talk..." That 4 word phrase leaves you stressed out and makes your heart drop. That is nothing compared to this....

"Prep time:10 minutes"

It gets you all excited and then you realize ten minutes into the prep time that there are some stipulations for prep time to only take ten minutes... unless it's canned soup or has no nutritional value that is. You have to have 4 pairs or hands and be able to have your mind think about completely different things at the same time. You have to be focused, my ADD "oh shinny" disorder does not help in this area. You also have to have a fabulously organized morning show kind of kitchen. I think ten minute prep time only happens after doing it multiple times and making it into an art. So really this "prep time" should say: minimum 10 minutes. That is much more realistic!

Anyways, besides the deceiving prep times sometimes included, pinterest is great. Today I not only made Monkey bread but I made forgotten kiss cookies too. It was while making the cookies that I realized I love to think about sweets and can eat sweets all day long as long as all I have to do is open the bag. It's only when I take the time to make the sweets that I feel like I can't eat sugar for the rest of my life. It's such a wonderful world we live in where everything is easily accesible to us within 5 minutes. Fast food meals, heat up dinners and individual sized ice cream tubs. When we crave something and want it, we can eat it... immediately! I know all too well that I can eat a whole bag of sweets to myself in one sitting but when I actually have to cook that meal or make the sweets, I'm no longer as hungry as I was before I made it. Am I the only one who feels this way?Cooking is great and gives me an accomplished feeling. And what do you know, it cured my sweet tooth.

Did I mention today was my birthday? What a great day to lose your sweet tooth! I even let myself have soda today, that felt great but that's the only sweet thing I could down. Maybe 21 years of all-you-can-eat sweets has given me diabetes. Maybe I'm just not used to eating during the day either so when I'm full on real food I don't feel the need to eat sweets. Whatever it is, it's weird. I've never felt like this before.

No matter how weird it is, today was great. I was so blessed with the best birthday present ever... the SUN was shining! Hallelujah! And I get to go country dancing tomorrow. It definitely has been a fabulous day. I owe it all to my dear mother too who has put up with me this long and has shared her birthdays with me since I was born. What a selfless woman who deserves the world!

Here's to everyday we live and pinterest to help us survive boredom
-Ani

Exposed to the elements

Lately, I've found myself getting irritated when people ask me what's wrong. Like there's always something wrong. Yes, I am defensive. I will admit, I am lifted up in my pride. I can't stand when it seems like I'm being ignored and then when I have down time to relax automatically it means I'm depressed or "Stephani's slipping away!" I think myself to be pretty optimistic and smily most of the time, am I fooling myself? I sure hope not!

So today after church, my brother exclaimed he wanted to sit next to me at dinner because I was having "sad time." That definitely wasn't the case but I love that he shows me so much love recently. He even told me today (after telling my mom one of my friends got a new girlfriend) that I am much cooler than other girls. He said, "she wouldn't challenge him to burping contest!" That made me giggle for a long while. No, I may not be "better" than anyone else but I do feel cool now. Who else WOULD challenge their boyfriends to a burping contest? Oh right, nobody with manners :)

There is no better joy than this. But when you realize you're weird that is when you find yourself exposed, whether or not you can handle it. It's the bad word that slips when you hurt your finger or the act of kindness caught in action. I think every life decision has risk and every risk means uncertainty. Uncertainty may mean hurt but not always. Taking a step and following your heart may show you just how wrong you are. I have a tendency to misread things and I know I'm not alone. Daily I find I have to make decisions I don't want to make or am not ready to make but they have to happen. It leaves me exposed and uncomfortable. I think I know what's best for me and sometimes I'm wrong. Sometimes I don't get the chance to find out or fall into others' management because I really just don't want to decide. And who are we kidding? It is always easier for someone else to decide because it's a TON easier to blame other people.

Being stagnant and exposed to the elements is frightening to me. Who wants to be left in the elements exposing everything they hide or try to cover up? When our self image is striped away and we are facing facts face to face, where do I stand? Do I even stand at all? Do I feel naked and ashamed? Do I drop to the floor trying to hide or cover up as much of me as possible? Do I stand with dignity? Do I know where I've done wrong and can I accept it?

Just thinking about these things in daily life, I think about the "end," the last days, and judgment. Where do we stand? Have we reached a Zion nation? I don't think so but maybe I'm the only one who has selfish tendencies... who knows! I should be stoned and cast in the fire for being the way I am. I am proud, not always in a good way. I can sometimes be self righteous. I try so hard not to judge others but in doing so, I judge those who openly judge others. I eat too much sugar and not enough substance. I try so hard to honor my parents and I fail. I use sentences like, "not to be mean or anything but..." or "I love you but.." just setting myself up to say something unkind and justify it all in the same breath. Sorry if this post makes you realize how bad I am but it's true and it's everything I need to work on. I even sometimes love hearing what other people think and how they feel towards others to justify my unkind thoughts and feelings further. I'm bad, I know.

The list can go on and on and it does. Since institute this last week I've had a scripture passage on my mind and I cannot shake it, Moroni 7:45-47. "Charity is kind!" I'm starting to believe I have no charity because every description of charity is everything I don't have. I am far from perfect and no where close to being ready to meet my Savior. I've definitely caused him more pain than he deserves, no one deserves to suffer because of me, my actions or my pride.

Nonetheless, I know my Savior loves me and though I'll never be able to completely repay him I can sure try. We are here to live and learn. To fall and to get back up. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Later Day Saints and most importantly, I am a Christian. I don't deserve seconds chances, ever, but I get them and I am grateful. I know I can live again with my Father in Heaven. I can find happiness with my family not just for this life but for all eternity and I plan to share that with someone special who I've chosen to raise a family with. I'm grateful for agency and I know no one can take that away from me.

A really good friend of mine once shared a quote that touched my heart, "The only truly unique gift that we can give God is our will, everything else is'are just things he has given to us and blessed us with."

To another week of fighting temptations
-Ani

"Holy strep throat Batman!"

Being healthy has it's perks... and being sick has absolutely none! I think now is the time I face the facts and come out. I have a phobia of getting sick. Not a typical germaphobe that is very cautious about their surroundings and the percentage of bacteria and germs everywhere but the girl who really hates being sick. It's almost depressing, literally. I don't want to stay at home and I hate not knowing when I'll be better.

I really don't get sick often, which I much appreciate!!! but when I do about once a year it comes to this: sore throat, aching body, headache and the want to sleep all the time. To be honest I haven't thrown up in over two years!... until yesterday. Killing that streak just sucked! Especially when your throat is so swollen it prolongs the pain. Ok, I'll veer away from that subject now.

And it brings me to point number two. Tonsil extraction. It was inevitable since it's a yearly thing and I have naturally big tonsils but I never thought I would have to face the facts. This is in fact the first year it's actually came back positive for strep throat. Now, I have to go have surgery... in a hospital. Did I tell you I hate hospitals too? Almost every time I go into a hospital or something of the sort I get light headed and pass out. If you think I'm joking ask my dad, he'll tell you about the worst time and subsequently makes it the funniest too. I used to refuse pills when I was younger trying to avoid becoming a drug addict. AND IT WORKED :) Being a naturalist didn't cut it though and there is only so much sleep can do before meds have to step in. So here they are: antibiotics and steroids. Please be good to me or else I will not last much longer.

So after facing all of this that hit me today... in a health clinic, talking about surgery and bed rest... I've come up with a few house rules:

1. No sharing with Stephani.
2. Absolutely NO sharing with Stephani. (did I tell you how voluntarily sharing our family is?_
3. DEFINITELY NO SHARING WITH STEPHANI... (doctors orders due to contagious nature, which leads to rule 4...)
4. No one in this house is allowed to get strep throat. Seeing that Stephani is already the host body and these rules are just now made up, she is exempt. UNTIL one week from now, in which case there will be a family council held to decide her eviction or to let her stay.

So those are the rules from this sick dying soul and hopes to update with a successful recovery soon. Until then, good health!
-Ani

Nothing better

There is nothing quite like the feeling of being well rested and recently I haven't had that good feeling. Knowing this I've been thinking about things that aren't quite like another thing. Truth be told I've lost a lot of things this week including my mind and my voice. You don't know what you have until it's gone, right? Well this post is my chicken noodle soup to try to keep me sane.

There's nothing like morphine for pain, or a hot pad on while you sleep. Nothing quite like a good laugh with a friend and inside jokes that just keep coming back up. There's nothing like Orange juice for breakfast (unless it's an amazing smoothie) or chocolate when you're a little down. There are quite a few therapies and each person enjoys doing a certain thing to relax them or to get their minds off things. For some it's singing real loud, for some it's driving. It's watching a movie and snuggling under a blanket, it's reading a book or "geeking" out. It's smashing pumpkins when you're angry and it's cooking when you're hungry. Whatever it is, it makes you feel better. I have known for a while that writing is therapy for me. I don't care if anyone reads what I write but when I write I show my self how bold I am and that I'm not just another voice in the crowd, I have my own voice and to regret life or let yourself slip away isn't a healthy way to live. In high school I used to write the most silly things most of which I would physically burn after I felt better. I would write love poems and make up stories. I wouldn't let anyone read some of the pathetic love-struck things I've written and I wouldn't mind if I never saw it again but it's my kind of therapy.

When I can't stand being alone, sitting at home, I have another form of therapy which only few have seen through windows. That is dance. If you don't know, I love to dance. I love ballroom dancing, modern and hip hop. Whatever you could thing of, I've probably tried it to release some tension. Some times it may be scary but I just call it passion. What happens when you blast your headphones and find an empty room? Relaxation, new dance moves and you're the only one in the world for however long it may be. My dear roommates can definitely get their laughs in for this certain therapy especially since I don't notice anyone is there but that's what makes it better.

Talking is a therapy and who doesn't like to talk about their situations? It gives you different prospectives and you work through your problems. Whatever the case may be, we all need some one or something.

There's nothing better than a hug or oreos and milk. There's really nothing better than knowing you really aren't alone. To serve is a blessing and to be a friend is a gift.

To finding new therapies and love.
-Ani

The moments, that magic and the lack thereof.

We all have moments. Some good, some bad. Life after all is just innumerable moments linked together in time. You've felt the joy and the pain. The confusion and certainty. Well this post is for my moments larger than life that everyone feels.

This is it, the moments from within. It's the time you forget yourself or when your world suddenly comes to a halt. When you're sitting in a silent room waiting for a sign or when you're praying not to cry. Have you ever gotten in the shower and never wanted to get out? Well I do every day because I think life is easier that way. Life is easy when you have your moments of fun. You have a schedule and as long as it isn't interrupted everything is fine!... But then you're let down or just give up. In my head I see my moments as if they are out of body experiences. Someone sitting next to me watching the emotion in my face. We all build up walls trying not to get hurt and unfortunately we do.

I build up walls and plan out some conversations just so I won't freeze. I'm a thinker and a dreamer. I dread "the talks" and would rather hide yet I deeply desire closer. I do freeze! Most of the time I cannot say what I actually feel. Maybe that's just someones way of saying "keep your mouth shut or you're going to get hurt worse!" ha, I laugh I cry and some times I just sleep to avoid both. I let people down and I get disappointed. It's the moments when you realize how little you are that you then go somewhere. It's being broken down to build yourself up. Life is the joy of the rain, or the feeling of the sun. It's passion and desire. It's finding friends in unexpected places and growing from the dust.

Some times I forget to shave and realize in a public place, slightly ashamed. I dance while walking down unoccupied hallways and always have a song in my head. I love being alone, watching romantic movies just to find hope. I dream of kissing in the rain and ballroom dancing. These are the moments of secrecy. The moments alone help me understand myself and definitely understand that I long for a friend that is just that. Life is complicated and naturally we make it more complicated with time. But this is real.

This is my shout out to weakness and release: thank you for silent conversations. Thank you for tough words. Thank you for the calm after the storm. And thanks for guilt and conscience.

I am grateful for passion and the peace that it brings. We all deserve to find something that gives us joy and helps us deal with stress.

None of these words actually do justice for what I'm trying to say but we can't deny the little things that make our life.

Here's to every moment. May all our future moments be better and full of promise.

-Ani

Davenport!!!

The little town of davenport probably wouldn't be on the map if it wasn't on the mississippi river and linked to a few other towns that create the Quad Cities. I've definitely found a new appreciation for a lot of things since being here like Cafe Rio, Asphalt roads, BYU-Idaho and family, just to name a few. Life is different in a good way. I would be lying if I said I completely loved it or that life was dandy all the time.

I was extremely blessed to come here and spend some time with my family, move in and relax just a bit. I was blessed even more when I found a job shortly after. That's when I got a wake up call and it went something like this.....

"YOU ARE NOT IN BYU IDAHO ANYMORE!!!!!"

And that's that. So needless to say it's been an eye re-opening adventure.

Oh davenport, oh davenport. What will I learn today? Probably something I didn't want to learn for sure. It will most likely consist of where the local bars are or how weird the world is in general. I'll see another ad of the presidential campaigns bashing each other like it's a high school popularity contest and the biggest jock will win. Someone might say something that makes me lose hope in humanity or help me understand gospel principles. And that will happen either directly or indirectly from all questioning I do about people and life.

I have quite enjoyed living here and I've learned a lot about myself. I've seen how easy it is to trust people and that some times you let people down or they let you down. I've learned that while it's nice having someone there for you always, I won't die from the lack of social life or from missing people very dear to me. Meeting new people is always fun and the variety you find can be humorous and you can find awesome friends amongst the lot. I've learned that I can cook too! Even working full time can't put a kink in learning how to use a crock pot. It's super fun and I feel so domestic.

I'm teaching primary too. It's wonderful to be teaching again and to be around such innocent wild, yet sweet, children that know so much and can learn a lot more. It's good to hear them talk about how they see life and what they like to do. Mostly, it's nice to see how much they remember when you think they aren't listening ;) And to teach dance again is the most fun thing I can think of. It's what I love and it's never ending. I haven't personally been dancing much since I got here but being around people that want to learn is so exhilarating! I can definitely see myself doing that for the rest of my life.

So no matter how concerned I am with humanity and what actually happens outside of a BYU setting, I am grateful to be here and to truly enjoy life between the stress and facts of life.

Last but not least here's a little inspiration for the week past and more weeks to come:

2 peter 1:3-4
"According as his divine power hath given unto us all things that pertain unto life and godliness, through the knowledge of him that hath called us to glory and virtue:
Whereby are given unto us exceeding great and precious promises: that by these ye might be partakers of the divine nature having escaped the corruption that is in the world through lust."

-Ani