Rediscovering Happily Ever After

Once upon a time, I had many passions that I served with conviction. This was a time long before the economy stressed me out. It was long before I became a "work-aholic" and before Ellie was even dreamed about. Since I've been blessed with a little girl, I have been able to reflect on the days gone by and it's quite inspiring to me.

In my fairytale, I loved blogging and dancing. I loved taking pictures and took my camera virtually everywhere I went. I would dream about being a stay-at-home mom with her successful business on the side but working with various corporations ruined that for me. They haven't corrupted me, my views simply changed. I starting working as management at a wonderful fast food restaurant. Plans went from "stay-at-home mom" to "store owning and operating individual." I loved working 50 hours a week because with the little pay it meant more money. More hours also meant more experience. I became the reliable employee and was always in the store when we were short staffed. I placed work before a lot of things and that carried over even when I changed companies and job titles. I love being dedicated but it wasn't until recently, at the end of my pregnancy while I was still working, that I realized how much I have truly lost because of it. Now I have all this time to myself I can see everything I've sacrificed so far. It's not all bad. I am so grateful I was able to work at a time when I could and consequently save for our baby girl and for future endeavors.

Things I feel I have lost is all the time to really connect with those around me outside of family members. It's hard to grow close when you work so much that you do not want to do anything outside of your house when you have time off. I truly grew lazy. I lost my connection with people and my desire to be outgoing. I haven't touched my camera in over a year and I certainly don't dance anymore. I know I would be so much happier with these things back in my life. It will take me some time to get comfortable with it all again but I fully intend to not let it get like this again.

I want to clarify that I love working. Working gives me time to get out of my house and I get paid to be productive. What I don't like is working so much as a part time employee that I lose time for other things. As I stated earlier, all of this realization has inspired me to change. I don't want work to rule my life. I want to be in command of my life and I want to be confident in my passions once again.

In the next little bit, I intend to work on my talents and feel competent in those areas. I really want to blog seriously. I want to re-create my life. I am going to make sure I feel accomplished and yet still enjoy life around me. I am going to find time to read more and play with my daughter and pups. I know I will just die of heartache if I find myself neglecting them.

This is a new start to my happily ever after with my husband by my side, our daughter in our arms and our dogs to protect us.

-Ani

Postpartum Report

A lot has happened in the last two weeks and it has been amazing! My baby girl, Eliana Skye, was born on October 8th at 3:07 PM in the Southern Hills hospital in Las Vegas. I fell in love immediately!

As some of you know, a few weeks before Ellie was born, I was told I had to have a cesarean section due to her breech position. I was absolutely TERRIFIED! In my head, this was never an option and I certainly did not expect it. After they told me, I probably cried at LEAST once a day but kept telling myself to accept it because it's better to be safe and have a healthy baby girl than to be stubborn (even though I did continue to fight with the doctors a bit...). 

The night before going in, I cried and cried still. I was brave all morning and throughout the early afternoon but when they wheeled me into the Operating Room, I lost it for the last time. I was so scared and My husband wasn't even allowed in while I was given my spinal block. I was a total mess. The anesthesiologist kept telling me to "STOP CRYING." It wasn't even like I was sobbing uncontrollably that she couldn't do her job, she just wanted to be a little bit insensitive. She even tried bribing me... Yes, you read that right, she BRIBED me. She kept saying, "If you stop crying, I'll let your husband come in sooner." Let's just say that only made it worse as I then re-realize I was alone in a sterile room with nurses I did not know and an angry lady stabbing me with a needle. 

Quickly, I lost all feeling in my hips and legs as I laid there on the table just wanting to run out the door. That, however, was not possible knowing I didn't have any control of my legs and I was about to pass out purely from fear. So instead of running, I laid there embracing myself for the feel of the scalpel as other c-section moms told me I would feel. I must have had an extra dose of numbness because (thankfully!) I did not feel any cutting. The only feeling I had was tugging on my upper abdomen and then... it was over. I got to watch Colton's face the whole time, trying to stay conscious, as he watched the doctors do the procedure. 

I have to tell you now that when I went in to the OR, they told me the surgery will happen and my daughter would be born in less than a few minutes but it would take some time to get me all stitched up and back to my recovery room, most likely up to an hour. I was also told that once my baby was born that Colton would be leaving with her to get measurements and clean her up. Luckily, they didn't leave the room. I got to watch as our daughter laid down to be cleaned up slightly and then weighed and measured. All of the prior fear went away as soon as I saw my husband standing next to Ellie and helping the nurses do their thing. I was emotionally numb at that point and then I was hit with overwhelming joy. Not only do I have the best husband in the world but now we both have a beautiful (slightly grumpy) daughter and our love is only growing!

I was out of the operating room holding Ellie within 10 minutes of her being born. Then she was given a proper bath and I was rolled from operating bed to another bed. I am extremely grateful for the help from Heavenly Father that made me forget my fears and gave us a baby girl. There definitely was no power on this Earth that could've helped me with that beside His love and the Priesthood, through which I was given a blessing some time ago. 

Now, a few things I wasn't told about a c-section. First is that the shot I was given could affect other parts of my body (My shoulders were tingling slightly). Second, I would lose complete feeling around the incision for as little as 6 months and some people never regain feeling in the incision area because the nerves were cut... GREAT! I won't complain but it's definitely a weird feeling. Third, I would have to crawl into a ball before coughing or sneezing to avoid pain. Don't worry if you see me cower randomly throughout the day.  

Anyways, Coming home was great! I wanted to get out of the hospital and get home to my own environment. The dogs went crazy when they first met Ellie and every time she cries, they run to her side as if trying to help. I sincerely think they are worried for her when she cries. It's pretty sweet. Being woken up throughout the night isn't as bad as I thought it would be, either. The first week she slept in her bassinet by our bed so it was pretty easy to access her and comfort her when needed. It was also much easier to wake up rather than having her down the hall. On day six, she spent the night in her crib. This was completely traumatizing to me. She's less than two weeks and I already sob uncontrollable at the thought of her growing up!! She's down the hall and I cry to Colton that I miss our daughter like she flew across the world to live with someone else. Pathetic I know but I love her to pieces. 

I could go on and on about her first week of life but I suppose I should save some for another post. Just know that Eliana Skye is happy and healthy and she has two parents that are completely, obsessively in love with her. Our lives have changed for the best and we are only moving forward. 

With love,

Ani

Home Stretch!

Yup! It's another post about me and my pregnancy. The end is finally in sight and I don't feel much different. Sure, my belly has hit the true home stretch. It simply cannot stretch anymore. I can no longer bend the way I want and it makes the PERFECT table now. Other than that, life is still happening around me!

I haven't had the painful contractions everyone warned me about and I feel like I could live another month like this. But thus it is not so. In 3 days from now, little Ellie will be in my arms rather than in my belly. I wanted to take just a moment to share my gratitude for such a wonderful pregnancy I've had.

With little nausea here and there I really cannot complain at all. I was able to go hiking and do lots of other fun stuff without feeling like I was restricted because I was pregnant. The only one who truly restricted me was my sweet husband. He was at my every beckon call (for the most part). Recently I wish he would just let me help!

If there is one thing I wish I would've done differently is that I wouldn't have worked so much. I would've scheduled my time better and actually ENJOYED the easy pregnancy I had. I would've taken the time to really reflect on what a blessing this little girl would be. After all, you are assisting in creating life. Yes, it's natural for a woman's' body to procreate but it's a time for spiritual growth as well. It's a time to realize your full potential and to talk with God that you might guide this child in righteousness. I pray for guidance to raise this little one that has been entrusted to me and my husband.

I've come to realize the absolute best part of pregnancy was having Colton by my side. Even when he couldn't physically be there, his presence was. Luckily my fingers didn't swell so I had the constant reminder of an eternal companion on my left hand. I love seeing him get excited about baby things even though it took him awhile.

I don't know what I would do without him as a companion. When I found out I would be having a c section, I was so distraught! I was mad that the doctors would tell me 4 weeks before my due date that I should lose the ideas of birth I had in my head because they were not going to happen. I was depressed for a whole week. It was not fun to work and I definitely shed many tears in between phone calls and other duties. I kept telling my self that I've accepted it trying to keep my anxiety down. It has definitely resurfaced with full force but it's at least a little comforting that I am not alone. Yes, I may cry for the next three days but this family will be stronger because we will be together.

I am grateful for all the friends who talked me through the hard times and the family that was there in many ways. My family has given me emotional and physical support the whole time and I feel so blessed to be a part of it.

I am so happy to be welcoming Ellie into this mad world. She will be greatly protected by her parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. I cannot wait to introduce you to her! Thank you all for your love and support.

-Ani

PS
I realize there are a lot of woman who are not given the opportunity to bear children in this life and I am sensitive to that. So to those who struggle or may be deeply saddened by this, just remember all glory belongs to the Father. He has a plan and there is perfect reason behind our trials on this Earth. The true happiness will come in it's own time when we walk with God. In the eternities, if we are righteous, we will have our kingdoms and the families we desire. Some may not even get the chance to marry in this life but the patient will all gain eternal reward.