Anyone who read my last post knows how I've been affected by hormones recently. This is definitely all about my emotions and what I've felt recently so you might want to stop reading now. You've received your warning!
Yesterday I woke up late for a doctors appointment and experienced total panic. I HATE the feeling you get when you have missed something, especially when it's after you wake up. The sinking stupidity that you feel when you sleep through your alarm clock and are late for work is exactly what I felt. Once I called the office to get a later appointment I was relieved and left to be happy again.
I've had some bad experience with the doctor's office I go to mostly through hours of waiting and staffing besides the doctors. That being said, I was determined to not be bothered by anything that may arise. I walked in, signed in, filled out a form and patiently waited, I wasn't waiting too long so I was still a happy girl by the time I got to see the doctor.
While in the office I got my exam and after finding out I am not dilated at all, I received a quick ultrasound to see baby's position. I was NOT surprised when they told me she was sitting straight up just as I do every day. Her head is close to my heart and her feet are dancing on my bladder. I was surprised, however, when they next told me this position would make it so I have to have a cesarean section. If you know me then you know this almost made me pass out thinking of being cut and stitched but instead I tried to talk to the doctor calmly and fought back tears until she left. If she does not change position then we will have to go through with the scheduled operation for the safety of my little sweetheart. We are praying for the best and if it so be she will not turn, we will be grateful for a healthy baby.
The wave of emotions came as we were driving away. The surprise of this news sent me in a million different directions. I felt everything! I was a little angry that this could be my fault not doing enough exercises or being proactive like all the other pregnant people around me. I've been so caught up in work and enjoying the time I have with Colton, being just us, that I just haven't felt I've prepared myself physically or adequately. After the anger was the sadness. I was slowly sinking into my brain trying to figure this out and deal with this and it just made me sad. I was sad and still am utterly afraid of what could happen.
The fear hit me hardest. I just never considered that this could be an option unless there were complications during my "planned" natural birth. Then I felt selfish. I became angry that I wouldn't have considered this.
Then I felt relieved. Once I accepted that this is a new possibility, I realized it's kind of great knowing when my baby will come and that she will be safer if I get over my fear and take one for the team. We still pray something will change but I know the best thing will happen for me and my family. We have THREE weeks and a lot could change.
That is my spectrum of emotions and after all is said and done, I am still exhausted! I am grateful we know good from evil, and happiness from sadness but I never thought I would need to experience so many opposites in one day.
Your prayers are appreciated for our little girl but we know the best will happen. This news is not the end of the world but simply the beginning decision that will help Ellie start her life safely.
-Ani
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