Break outs

As an expecting mommy, I didn't expect much from pregnancy. There are too many sources that will tell you what will happen during your pregnancy. I had to stop reading them because I am totally different. EVERYONE IS! Now my research is mostly just to find out if what's happening to my body could be natural from pregnancy or if I should be worried because it could be harmful. Here are a few of MY struggles:

HORMONES
One thing that I've found to be the most common ground in these "many sources" is hormones. The female body is doing a lot of work during pregnancy even though we don't physically have to control it (thank goodness). There is so much change happening and our hormones are not balanced in the slightest. It's easy to get worked up over little things.

I've always been an emotional person. I would shed a tear or feel my throat tighten every time I express my love for something. Any one who has heard me talk about my Savior or how blessed I feel will know this. Even if it's about silly things, I'm driven by my conviction and I can't always control the emotions that come with it. Knowing this about myself, I certainly did expect to be an emotional pregnant woman but I am surprised by the way it approaches me.

I say this because it's an out of body feeling. I know how to breathe and calm down but when you just start crying and cannot control it, I feel really silly!! The other week at work, I was just about to go home but decided to answer one last phone call so my colleague wouldn't have to. Looking back, I should've just walked away and not thought twice because what happens next left me scarred. A guest called very upset that something with his order wasn't right. The payment information he provided was declined and it was ALL OUR FAULT. He threw out accusations that we had double and triple charged his card and since it was declined now it's hurting his account etc etc. Trying to be calm and help the guest, I asked many questions trying to find out what exactly the situation was as I have not had a hand in this as of yet. Let's just say he wasn't having any of my questions. Apparently I'm supposed to know everything about every interaction my colleagues have with guests. Well, he wouldn't answer my questions and was ALL too happy to yell at me and tell me what I need to do. "YOU need to read YOUR notes!" "YOU need to stop charging my card!""YOU messed up!" (A guest like this I can only assume he wanted me to simply say, "I'm sorry, let me comp that for you.") Well pregnant and innocent me couldn't handle being yelled at and told that I'm worthless so cue the tears!!

I even nicely placed him on hold to take a step back before I tried one more time to calm him down. Silly me thought I could actually help someone who didn't deserve to be helped with such strong accusations. Coming back on the phone, he wouldn't let me get a single word in so I told him he can talk to my manager. I couldn't even transfer him or explain the situation before I was bawling like a child. I could only imagine my ugly crying face and my loud sobbing did nothing but scare the whole department. It truly was an out of body feeling. Almost as if I sat and watched myself crying in the mirror. I knew none of this was my fault and come next week I wouldn't even remember his name (thanks again to pregnancy I am super forgetful like that). I just could not control myself and nothing I would do could calm me down. In the end, not only could I not calm down, I was so embarrassed by my lack of control I thought I was going to DIE!

ANGER
My sad emotions are just as strong as my mad ones. It's easy to be mad these days! The slightest things can tick me off and though I will not do much to express them, they build up inside of me and I am trapped living the moments over and over again in my head.

It's a dangerous in general for women to think, but to have a pregnant woman left alone to her thoughts and her anger is not advisable. If this is you too, drop what you're doing and tell someone about it! The forgiveness that was freely given prior is not so available now as stress overcomes you. I know I need release. It used to be dancing or going for a run which is not so easy these days. So, here I am... BLOGGING.

APPEARANCE
If you didn't feel good about your appearance before pregnancy, that's not likely to change afterwards. I try to imagine myself one way as a pregnant woman but when I look in the mirror that image is shattered. I guess I'm still hoping next time I look I will be able to see my six pack again. With pregnancy, my skin has gotten dryer, my muscles weaker and my hair is untamable.

STRESS
I would like to say baby girl has made me feel younger in some ways. There is no doubt I am reliving high school all over again. I'm so stressed out that I am more emotional and MY FACE... breaking out like nothing I've experienced before. Stress acne is not cute and hurts the "appearance" department. Building stress also helps the anger department for sure. I hope this goes away soon but I know no medicated facial cleanser can help with stress. I need meditation and a good yoga class but first I need to find the energy to get out of my house!

Despite all the emotions, the stress, the anger, and the appearance problems it really is amazing to see the changes that come with pregnancy. I know it's such a blessing to be a mother. I don't mean to complain about pregnancy, I really love it. But it has its challenges and things you cannot control. My body is making something that will bring me such joy for a lifetime to come and I'm doing it hand and hand with the Lord. It's a great opportunity to be a creator and to aspire to my divine potential as a mother and a teacher. I've always wanted to be a teacher but not so much in the school setting. I cannot wait to play with this little girl and laugh with her. My husband is my best friend but I think my love is expanding and pretty soon I will have TWO best friends. Who says you can't be friends with you children? I'm going to prove you wrong. My circle of friends is only going to get bigger!

-Ani