The Gift of Time

I've been thinking a lot recently about just why I feel I never have enough time to do anything. Right now I should have plenty of time to do everything! I only work about 4 hours a day and I have at least 2 days off a week, so why do I feel like I am so busy?!

In my current situation I would say it's because everyone else I know works when I'm off and I work when the rest of the world is getting home. I'm not busy exactly but every time someone offers to do some thing I am. But it didn't always used to be this way. When I used to work normal hours or when I was in school I would find my self busy during the day with my obligations and still turn down offers after simply stating that "I am busy." I would find that I was too busy to even pick my clothes up off the floor and I was too busy to sit and read my scriptures. I was too busy or too tired to do the things I knew I should be doing.

I recently read something about time that I find to be eye opening. It's a story of Satan and his power over us:

"In his opening address to his evil angels, Satan said, "We can't keep the Christians from going to church. We can't keep them from reading their Bibles and knowing the truth. We can't even keep them from forming an intimate, abiding relationship experience in Christ. If they gain that connection with Jesus, our power over them is broken. 

So, let them go to their churches; let them have their conservative lifestyles, but steal their time, so they can't gain that relationship with Jesus Christ. This is what I want you to do, angels. Distract them from gaining hold of their Saviour and maintaining that vital connection throughout their day!"

"How shall we do this?" shouted his angels. 

"Keep them busy in the non-essentials of life and invent innumerable schemes to occupy their minds," he answered. "Tempt them to spend, spend, spend, and borrow, borrow, borrow. Persuade the wives to go to work for long hours and the husbands to work 6-7 days each week, 10-12 hours a day, so they can afford empty lifestyles. Keep them from spending time with their children. As their family fragments, soon, their home will offer no escape from the pressures of work! 

"Over-stimulate their minds so that they cannot hear that still, small voice. Entice them to play the radio whenever they drive. To keep the TV, CDs and their PCs going constantly in their home and see to it that every store and restaurant in the world plays non-biblical music constantly. This will jam their minds and break that union with Christ. Fill the coffee tables with magazines and newspapers.

"Pound their minds with the news 24 hours a day. Invade their driving moments with billboards. Flood their mailboxes with junk mail, mail order catalogues, sweepstakes, and every kind of newsletter and promotional offering free products, services and false hopes. Keep skinny, beautiful models on the magazines so the husbands will believe that external beauty is what's important, and they'll become dissatisfied with their wives. Ha! That will fragment those families quickly! 

"Even in their recreation, let them be excessive. Have them return from their recreation exhausted, disquieted and unprepared for the coming week. Don't let them go out in nature to reflect on God's wonders. Send them to amusement parks, sporting events, concerts and movies instead. Keep them busy, busy, busy! And when they meet for spiritual fellowship, involve them in gossip and small talk so that they leave with troubled consciences and unsettled emotions. 

"Go ahead, let them be involved in soul winning; but crowd their lives with so many good causes they have no time to seek power from Jesus. Soon they will be working in their own strength, sacrificing their health and family for the good of the cause. It will work! It will work!"
It was quite a convention. The evil angels went eagerly to their assignments causing Christians everywhere to get more busy and more rushed, going here and there."

I find most of this to be true in my own life. I am over crowded with little things I forget to count my blessings. I forget to thank Heavenly Father for all he has given me. I used to work multiple jobs just to keep myself busy. I wasn't productive at home so I found a way to avoid it. WORKING! Working late hours, working 6 days of the week, always making myself available just in case one of my coworkers called out sick so I would be able to work MORE! It's the sad truth. Did I need to work 2-3 jobs all the time? No. I needed to learn how to save what I did make and be patient to earn the things I couldn't afford. I needed to spend time with my family and show my brothers love.

Now that I do have time off and only work part time, it's easy to see just how much time I wasted. I worked myself so much I was an emotional wreck (and I'm still getting over that). I neglected my spiritual strength by not reading scriptures or even praying. Of the 24 hours in the day, I could not even find 15 minutes to talk to my Heavenly Father and listen to His words. If I had time off, I spent it sleeping and when I would wake I would watch TV and blast my music which most of the time put me back to sleep!

I do not have someone to motivate me during the day and I have all this time to myself and I still find it hard to just sit down and read but I am now trying much harder. I cannot deny that I have fallen subject to the busyness of the world and of a truly empty lifestyle. One day of worship a week is not enough to sustain a relationship with God or our Savior Jesus Christ. It is not enough to redeem us in this ever falling world. To be faithful and true takes a lot of work and to do so we must be free from the ever loud distractions are around us.

The Lord will never tempt us above what we are able to bear. To be busy is a choice and to be too busy will hurt us. As President Gordon B. Hinckley once said, "life is meant to be enjoyed, not just endured."

I have never heard anyone sound happy about working multiple jobs and having no time. It's always an exclamation of sadness and wishing it didn't have to be so. But I know if we just make enough time to pray and do the things that matter most, everything will work out. We will truly be happier even if you do need more than one job to sustain your family. There is nothing wrong with that! I just mean to say, remember who you are and what life is truly about. Do the things that matter and will help you spiritually and then your worldly needs will be met graciously (and certainly unexpectedly) by Heavenly Father.

I wish you all happy holidays! I hope you find the gift of time important and things that will fill it with happiness and spiritual upliftment. Start small and build the habit so nothing will stand in your way. Soon you will find your strength to be strong enough to move mountains. Satan may bruise your heal but will not bring you down without your consent. Remember you have strength over temptations and power over Satan. Don't forget just how strong you are!

Always here,
Ani

Diary of an outsider

It's not hard to notice I stand out just a bit here in Las Vegas. Partially due to the look on my face, the wonder and confusion I have about the new area. Partially the Iowa plates and how I dress. Just yesterday I found my self thinking that it's almost december and I should probably put on a jacket because it's going to be getting colder.... I was wrong. Yesterday was the hottest day all week! I was out in a scarf and a winter coat surrounded by shorts, T-shirts and bikinis still being sold in the stores.

I've come to terms with new moves and change but I'm overwhelmed with unease. I feel as if I am walking through settled lives merely looking in on how other people live. They are comfortable in their own lives and I am a disturbance. Perhaps disturbance is only to be used in certain occasions but in all, I am definitely an outsider. I hope it's just me getting used to the idea of "settling" myself. And I only wish it were easier.

I'll be honest, I've hardened my heart just a little because I do have expectations. I have expectations that people are friendly and can relate to my situation but here they cannot. I expect people to hold conversation and pretend to be interested in our encounter but they are not. I expect turn over and being more lucky with another group of people but I am not. I want so much to reach out and serve but I am restrained by the sadness of being an outsider. I never want to step on toes or intrude so I politely sit quiet. I want to be the friendly person to a new face like I didn't have but how dare I? HOW DARE I?

Even when I try to reach out, I feel slightly rejected. Some don't even tell me their names. Do you think you need to distance yourself from me? Will your name give me some leverage into your life that you don't want me to have? AM I AN ALIEN?! I promise not to hold you hostage against your will and keep you as a pet!

I know there are bonds stronger here than I could find strength to forge on my own. Of course it's hard to forge a bond without someone else. It's like I throw the rope and tie myself up!! I will admit I'm comfortable this way but even with a loving husband and a playmate named Mac, I cannot help but long for another friendship. A friendship that doesn't consist of Call of Duty or throwing a ball so you can bring it back to me. A friendship that can get me out of the house and out of my comfort zone. Something outside of a "hi" before sunday school or family relations. I want to talk about what I'm reading or what's good recipes to cook. I want to ask someone questions and an answer to be more than "alright." I can listen for hours but I'd like to talk too.

This isn't the first time I've felt like an outsider and I've had a happy ending before. I'm sure my present situation will not last forever either. Previously, when I felt alone, on the outside, it only took one person and a reminder that Jesus Christ is my friend. When the road is long and the nights are dark, I'm only slightly alone. So here it is SANTA! This holiday season I simply ask for a friend. I want to be wanted and I want to show love and friendship toward someone else. If not my talents will surely be wasted!!

Now I know this blog seems unusual and I sound like I've been complaining. But I assure you I am not. I am still optimistic though my heart is a little sad. I don't want to feel like an outsider and I don't want to make anyone else feel that way either.

For all of those far away, remember your friends. Hold them dear to your heart and show them your love. I know there are many more people in the world that feel more lonely than me. If that is you, I pray for you too! Rejoice for the life you have.

-Stephani

Moving Forward

I am full with happiness today! I got to hear little kids at my church tell me what they know and how they know it. Some kids told experiences they've had with prayer and others how they love their families. I don't know anywhere else I would have rather been today than at church hearing these little kids and their own personal testimonies they are building now. How awesome is it to see children grow like this and learn new things and share it with others. I would be lying if I said it didn't touch my heart.

At first my thought was how much I missed the kids I taught in Iowa and I recalled all the things we learned together and then I was stopped. These kids standing before me, even though I don't know any of them personally, know the very same things I know and they are being taught the same things I taught on the other side of the nation. That just adds to my testimony that these little kids are being raised with truth and are being taught the Gospel of Jesus Christ, not the things of the world.

My favorite thing about children is hearing them sing. It doesn't matter how many times I hear the phrase "I am a child of God" or "families can be together forever," I always feel the spirit and have to choke back tears when I hear those words come out of the mouths of babes. After all, it is my goal to become submissive like a child to my Heavenly Father and I am reminded of that every time.

Something I learned today in Relief Society (where all the women above 18 go to learn together) is about things that matter, things that are important and things that come after we have those. Things of most importance take up the most space and time in our lives. These things were discussed to be family, work, food, shelter etc. The things that took up slightly less space in our lives but still pretty big are (or should be) the things that matter, those being scripture study, exercise, family time, extra-curricular activities etc. then came the things that are nice and just fill the rest of our lives such as relaxation (which could be a 'matter' to you), universal remotes, candy for your sweet tooth etc.

What I got out of this particular lesson is that you need to take everything in their appointed order. You need to have the important things before the things that matter or you could be kind of happy but not have the important things in life. If I spent all my time chasing the non-important things before the important things I would be napping a lot and have no money to pay rent! Everything comes in order. In order to be happy, you need the important things and then you need to find your passions and take time for yourself and THEN you can have the extras here and there. It's all a part of moving forward.

Without an apartment and clothes and food I would be quite the disaster and wouldn't get anywhere. The same can be applied anywhere in life. If I never graduated high school, I wouldn't have been accepted into college. If I didn't get accepted into college I wouldn't have met dear friends that changed my life. If I didn't meet good friends I wouldn't have transferred, I wouldn't have met even MORE dear friends, I wouldn't have met my husband, I wouldn't have had the LUXURY of making tough decisions and I most certainly would not have been able to move forward. Am I saying because I graduated high school I met my husband? No. Am I saying the luxury of hard choices come with a high school diploma? No, but I am saying if we have our priorities right when we face a path before us, we will have the power to walk down the paths we choose. But it's important to choose a path. we cannot just stand still forever!

Moving forward is not always easy and change is hard. I have a hard time everyday with the new "improvements" that are going on in the world around us. Things are changing so rapidly and I can either stage a sit in and not progress or I can go with it. It's important to me to hold fast to my standards so I will not be changed for the worse while I am surrounded by many different influences. I know it's not easy though. It's always hard letting go of something or someone even though you know it will make you happier in the end. It's so sad when you can't have your cake and eat it too!

Did you know who you were going to be today when you were 12? I didn't. I couldn't even comprehend having a boyfriend and kissing was still gross. I couldn't imagine heart break once let alone more than once. I couldn't imagine the trials I would be faced with or the temptations that come simply by growing up. I still thought I was going to be above average girl who never fell for love's trickery. When I was 12 I hated BYU and was going to go to college somewhere in southern California! Well I'm lucky that part of me was changed or else my father-in-law probably wouldn't like me as much ;)

My point is that we all move forward whether we like it or not. Your heart break seems like it lasts forever but it goes away. We all wonder what life would've been like if we did something differently but you can't go back, you can only go forward. As told so lovely in the last General Conference for the Church of Jesus Christ of Later day Saints, Elder Russell M Nelson said, "Each day is a day of decision and our decisions determine our destiny." Even though I cannot see past this moment, I am living my life for something much bigger than tomorrow. I am living my life for the life I will still have an eternity from now. It will never end and as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.

-Stephani

I Am a Part of This World

Today I find myself in awe and wonder. It has only been a week living in Las Vegas and I don't think I've ever been this aware of how lucky and blessed I am. It's not ONLY that I am now the wife to a great guy but my eyes have simply been open to wonderful things I forget to acknowledge when life gets busy. I owe this realization to the time I have had 'looking for employment.' While I wait for the fish to bite and more opportunities to come along, I enjoy being a 'housewife.' I sarcastically say, "WHAT A SHAME!" but inside I'm really thinking, "this is the life!"

I've slowly come to realize life is not about working 2 jobs, 50+ hours a week or 18+ college credits a semester. It's not about the things you have either though. To be honest, before I left Iowa, when I wasn't at work I was on my computer or the TV was on to create background noise. I've thoroughly enjoyed not having background noise or those distractions. Though in my mind it was very necessary for my long distant relationship to work with Colton, I am glad I do not feel a slave to those things anymore. I read in quote today that had this message: we are given the choice to choose for ourselves. Free agency and adversity is a gift given to all and that's why it's so important to BEHAVIORALLY distance ourselves from the world. We must do it not because we find ourselves better than our brothers (or sisters) but because we love men and we love our Heavenly Father who wants us to come back to Him. I've always heard that we need to be in the world and not of the world but I've never thought about it as behaviorally distancing ourselves from the bad. It all makes perfect sense!

I was just discussing last night with Colton about beggars. I imagine it would take quite a lot of courage for someone who truly needs help to actually ask for it. It comes in our nature to hide our weaknesses for fear that someone might use it against us. That is my fear at least. When you go on a date for the first time, don't you avoid all bad things this person could find out about you? Don't you showcase all the good you have to offer? It's normal! But when it comes to separating ourselves from the world it would be shown in this scenario of a beggar vs a thief. I do not like to judge the people I see on the streets and if asked for a little assistance I am most willing to help. I cannot tell them what they do or do not do with the help I give once I have given it, that is their own choice. In my mind, however, I hope they use it for what will bring them true happiness. Whether it's to buy gas to visit family or to help prepare a meal they otherwise would not have, I have no control. The admonition to separate ourselves in behavior would also separate the beggars and the thieves who just take money.

What I choose to do with my free time could make me lazy or productive. Some may see watching TV as being a waste of time or it could be a needed time to relax to prepare yourself to be more productive later on. I see it as being judged by the intent of your heart. Did the beggar really need gas money or is it being used to feed a habit or addiction? That I will leave to the Lord to judge. I will not evade service by judging with my worldly eyes but I, myself, can choose to separate myself from man by the intent of my heart. I choose to be a daughter of God that will not use trickery to get gain. I am a woman that has made covenants to separate myself today from the woman I used to be and the woman I may have become if I chose a different path many years ago.

I, Stephani Wood, am a daughter of wonderful parents who have taught me to stand out. I have been blessed to see adversity and experience pain but it has only helped me along. I may make mistakes as everyone else but I am distanced by the way I handle it. I am distanced from the world behaviorally because I can feel my Saviors love, who is Jesus Christ. He allows me the chance to confess and forsake my sins. If I am enough in my lowly estate to be watched over and cared for by Him than so is everyone I come in contact with. Everyone is given this same opportunity.

This life is not about our social status or how better off we are compared to another. This life is about the chance to actually experience life. It's to learn! We learn together! I learn about myself, I learn about happiness and why I am here. I learn about where I am going and where I have been. It's a continual learning and will not stop in this mortal world. I along with my brothers and sisters, the beggars and sinners, the scientists and artists will live this life however we choose. We will be able to take what we want from life, good or bad. But for me, I will take the chance to be different behaviorally. I am not looking to be prettier than my neighbor or smarter than my professor but I am trying to be kinder than I was yesterday and smarter tomorrow than I was today.

I know it has already been a long post and I don't know who will be reading this or if they close it after the first paragraph but I believe nothing is more important than what I have to say right now. It's my testimony that I hope people will take with them to find their own. To find truth. I know that we are not here by mere chance. We are here because we chose to be here. We are all sons and daughters of a loving Heavenly Father who wanted us to learn for ourselves and choose our own way. He gave his Only Begotten Son to die for us. Jesus Christ walked the Earth and felt our pain not for a time but until it caused his death. He was resurrected that we could do the same. It won't be immediate but the time will come when all who live will be resurrected. I know I will be able to see loved ones I have lost again. I know my grandfather, Silas, is in good hands and even though he may have struggled (as do I in different ways) we are not loved any less. Love is a gift from heaven and we are charged to be charitable just as we have received charity. I know there is a living prophet on the earth today and has a message to share that I hope I can share with everyone too. Happiness is so much more than a christmas gift from Santa Claus or a funny joke. Happiness is the fact that we can live with our families forever and death will not separate us. I am blessed with this knowledge and the chance I've had to learn it for myself. I do bear this witness unto all who will listen and I do it in the name of my Savior, Jesus Christ.

-Stephani Wood

Rank of importance

I had a fun experience just now. I was rereading my journal clenching my fists. I was afraid I was going to read some old memories that might cause me pain. I was expecting the worst but I did not find it. Surprisingly, I found more hope than regret and wanting to tear out pages.

Honestly I was afraid of one thing. I was afraid I would read peoples' names and have to relive why they aren't in my life anymore but I couldn't find a single entry that satisfied that fear. How on earth did I accomplish to leave out some "important" names and places if they were truly that important to me? Here's how, I was blinded by the moment. Miraculously, my subconscious writing still knew I was looking towards the future though and it is wonderful.

So how do I subconsciously know the rank of importance in my spotty journal writing and I can't grasp it in my daily life? How do I rank importance? Where do I even start? I would like to share a little thought not because I'm an expert but it's advice I would like to take to heart more.

There aren't formulas to life!

I forget this... everyday. I may not be a math expert but I have a personality that requires organization and knowing what's around the corner. I cannot study for a test unless I know if a question is asked then I will have a word for word answer. I'm good at memorizing and I'm always trying to find ways to put life into a formula. Too bad I can't live like that forever. Things happen and change. It's all about adaptability. That is something I wish I learned a little more from my parents. It seems like they are the most adaptable people I know. How did they end up with a daughter that wants life turned into a formula that guarantees no failure? I am truly afraid of failure. I am afraid! And I'm still working on finding peace. I could easily blame it on indoctrination of the education system. Aren't we all waiting for that report card that says pass or fail? Aren't we all wondering if we wrote our answer in a way that the teacher sees we truly understand? Oh well, it's our choice to let this rule our lives or not.

Keep an eye on the future!! Live life in the moment but live it for tomorrow. That's hard to remember. Do you ever forget that this final is only a hurdle today? Even my wise professor said of his own final, "it's only stressful today. In ten years or even one, you will not remember this test or even my name." I doubt I will ever forget this professor but he is on to something. Yes, a degree is important and the tests that give us that degree, but... are we willing to sacrifice our standards let our stress get to us? Are we willing to let it interfere with our happiness?

The same professor that gave this advice talked of an acquaintance that said he had to give up church on sunday to study and better prepare for his Bar exams. At first it was one "sacrifice" that led to another. Soon enough he was drinking regularly and it impaired his family relationship. His wife and children left and he even failed the Bar. This may be an extreme case but it is a good visual for me, the girl still looking for formulas.

Stress is not more important than the conscious effort to serve those in need even in your time of need. A job is not more important than a good standing with God or your family. A temporary good feeling does not get put before eternal happiness consciously. That comes through impatience and lack of strength. We are not going to be strong all the time but we do need to know what we find truly important and hold onto those. Heavenly Father does not expect us to walk on this earth alone or to be confident all that time. It's ok to wonder and to learn for ourselves but we must have priorities and act on them.

If I could do one thing over and even start right now, I would put in place a reminder I couldn't ignore that God is my priority. Reading scriptures and praying daily is a strength. There is nothing more important than setting aside a few minutes to counsel with the Lord. I would like that reminder to be the people I love. When I look at them I want to think about the importance of family and God who gave them to me. I want them to look at me and not be saddened by my choice of friends or manor of dress. I want to make sure everyone of them is sitting in Heaven with me. "No empty chairs."

Here is to everyone who is afraid or maybe lacking confidence. I am not perfect and have a long way to go before I am an expert at setting priorities but I know it is important. Set priorities and don't be shaken. Take one day at a time and you know you will find me right there with you.

-Ani

Raise thy standard

I was told today of something a dear relief society president once said. She said that even though she wasn't married until later in life, she knew where her future husband was every six months. He was at the priesthood session of General Conference. What faith she had!!! And what a standard she set for her future husband. I know I was told at a young age to find my stance and stand it. If I didn't want to date until I was sixteen I had to decide that for myself and stand my ground. If I didn't want to smoke or swear, I needed to decide and be unwavering. It doesn't go away in tough times of a "single college woman." It is something we have to decide daily. Am I going to be stronger today? Am I going to stand my ground?

In all of my years of dating I was alway told to not settle. I was told that I am a daughter of God and I should set my standard high. Anyone worth marrying will rise themselves to meet my standards. I don't think I ever fully appreciated those words. Setting a standard does not mean dating someone to see if you can make them better. It's about choosing someone who is worth it to begin with. I don't think it's easy to imagine a sinner demanding someone who is worthy. I know I'm a sinner and I have a hard time remembering I deserve an eternal family with someone who loves me and works equally with me. That comes from doubt. I know I deserve it and I will have an eternal family in the future but it's doesn't mean I've always thought this. It is something I've had to learn. It is something that I've that has come with the goodness of the atonement. Even stained souls can return.

Many of the talks given today has told me to look passed the short comings of people and find their potential. Myself included. The atonement can heal any who truly seeks it. Healing takes forgiveness. We must forgive and we must forgive ourselves. We must raise a standard and protect ourselves from the doubt that may come from experiencing weakness and giving in to temptation. We must have courage to set a standard, to stand out in the crowd and to find others who stand beside us.

There is nothing more satisfying than being a true witness of Christ and showing him where you stand by the decision you have made here and now to follow him. Let us all have the faith to know where we stand and that our loved ones stand beside us. We are equal and we will not settle but rather fortify our faith with that one person who will walk beside us in eternity with our families. We are all brothers and sisters striving for the same goal. Some just have a harder time remembering. May we help each other remember.

Here is to another day as a daughter of God. Here is to the people who I aspire to be because of the faith they have shown me. Finally, here is to my family. On this earth and in heaven, here now and here to come.

-Ani

When everything seems so far away.

Sometimes it seems like everything I love is so far away from me. My family first of all. Why do I choose to live places where I don't have family connection? It's been so long since I've seen these dear loved ones. My boyfriend second of all. I've never been one to "do long distance" but once I decided I could do it, it has taught me so many things. I know I am strong enough to get through trials. Heavenly Father has never tempted me above what I am able to withstand. Whether or not I stay strong or give in to weakness, there has always been a way to get through hard times. I often forget this. This week alone, I forgot it as if I never knew it.

I am so blessed with people who love me and help me in ways they don't even know. I'm surrounded by love! I live with my best friends for Heavens' sake! Why I forget I'm loved is beyond me. I believe it has a lot to do with my last post. My selfish heart has definitely gotten the better of me this semester. I don't believe I've served enough and my thoughts were centered around me and getting through my trials. Yes, I do have to think of me sometimes but I thought of me too much this semester. I heard many times this semester that there is much worse things than having to do art projects or take tests in a wonderful university. Some people are fighting cancer and trying to enjoy life and I'm just complaining. Yes, bad things happen to me and my loved ones sometimes but they are so minute compared to the grand scheme of life.

What makes it worse is that I bottle things up... all the time! So when selfish thoughts arrive, they consume me. Starting right now, I'm going to change that. Last week, a professor of mine challenged us to make goals. Not for next month or next week or tomorrow, he challenged us to make changes now. In this minute in this hour in this day in the 2013 year of the Lord, I am a better person than I was five minutes ago (or at least I hope so). If I am not, I will be in five minutes from now. You know how they say change is constant? Well it is, I just have to make sure that change is always moving me forward and helping others along the way.

I have found comfort today in these simple words, "Be still my soul." It's a wonderful message and it seems to be popping up everywhere recently. It's what I need to hear and I'm sure I will hear a lot more hard truth and comfort tomorrow during General Conference.

Be still my soul, the Lord is on thy side.
Through patience bear thy cross of grief and pain
Leave to thy God, to order and provide,
In every change, he faithful will remain.
BE STILL MY SOUL! Thy best, thy heavenly friend
through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

I've forgotten that I have a best friend in heaven. Love seems so far away because I have forgotten; because it is easy to worry about me and forget the simplicity of life. Where has it all gone?

Here is to another day to a better me, to leaving other people better than I found them and rediscovering the simplicity of life. And this is to finding answers to life questions. Happy conference weekend!

-Ani

My Selfish Soul.

Do you ever feel selfish? Even when others swear that they don't think you're selfish, do you think you are? Today, I feel selfish. Running through my head is a list of "wants." I want this semester to be over, I want to be hugged. I want to sleep my day away and not do homework. I want to be kissed and I want to be loved. I want to feel like my time is worth something and I want to learn how to prioritize. I want to prove myself... to myself! I want to forget somethings I hate about me and to be be more patient. I want to love people more unconditionally. I want more chocolate and I want to be alone without the loneliness. I want to have better fashion and to learn to look cute. I want to dance better and I want to teach. I want to find passion for photography again. I want to sing better too! I, Stephani Ray, want to be stronger than the things that bring me down.

I can't even find anything else to say. To all other selfish souls

-Ani

Awkward moments.

Life is full of awkward moments. I can say I've truly been embarrassed only a few times in my short life but awkward moments I encounter daily! I've seen it all, from awkwardly walking in on your roommates making out to walking into an hour long class 55 minutes late because you think you're five minutes early. Ok, maybe I haven't just seen those awkward moments... I've experienced them! Like the moment you lose something and it's sitting in your hand or when you call your boyfriend by your ex-boyfriends name. I think even though it may take me a moment to recuperate they actually aren't embarrassing, just perfectly awkward.

I don't really like to be quiet, the silence kills me and I think it is indeed VERY awkward. I like to carry on conversations by creating small talk and I don't find it weird but I've recently learned that others do. Is it wrong to want to be friendly to people you don't really know that well? Why can't you just take time and entertain me with small talk? How else are you supposed to get to know someone? 

When I was younger I was quiet and to myself really. I like to call myself a bedroom artist. My fondest memories are in my room creating masterpieces. I did it all! Dancing, singing and I even wrote my own songs. Nothing I would share today but I wouldn't share it then either. If anyone would walk in on my work I would promptly deter and pretend to do something else. I liked my solitude and wouldn't give it up for anything. Something changed when I made several location moves in my life, however, and I've opened up a lot. In high school my mother always called me a social butterfly and while I still hold my alone time to a high standard, I think there is good in creating conversation with random people. My outgoing self might even be offended if you deny me of that simple pleasure but I cannot be too mad if people aren't comfortable with it. 

I try to think of the word "awkward" and how much it is used in our culture today. I can't imagine people 30 years ago physically saying "awkward" in moments of discomfort like we do. I think it's funny but what is even funnier to think about awkward moments that might have happened in ancient time. Do you think the 12 disciples encountered awkward situations? I'm sure they did but they either handled it very well or didn't write about the truly awkward things. There are situations when they were in places they wouldn't normally go without Christ, such as into places with leprosy but it didn't stop them from doing it. People went places that were uncomfortable and they dealt with it. I'm sure they tried to avoid it just as we do but it's just not the same. I can't really think of any awkward moment relatable to ancient time or even renaissance time. We are just a weird generation!

This is to the words that slip out of your mouth before you can process what you are trying to say. And to many more days of making fools of ourselves. No matter what race, size, make or model.... Happy living

-Ani

Just thoughts of the day..

Oh Rexburg! You do funny things to me. You break me down, you build me up and you make me want to do crazy things. Things like sleeping in or eating more chocolate than I should. Recently you've even made me want to run away... So I gave into that temptation, I did it! I went to Vegas. It was crazy, it was fun and it was the best thing I've decided to do all year. It was spontaneous but relaxing and productive all at the same time. It was so nice to get away for a while and find out that I don't have limitations, there is so much to be done and endless opportunities.

It wasn't until this week that I realized I don't really do things for me. I've been in this routine since I've started college of going to school, going home, and coming back to school adding more load than the previous semester... repeat. I have this perception of life that this was the only way things worked. It's not true. I have the routine and if things are supposed to be, they will fit into that routine... that's not true either. You have to take chances and you have to step up to the plate if you want to even have a chance to hit a homerun. I know I definitely can't do it from the bleachers.

I don't want to turn this into a sappy post or lessons for those people that are just like me. But this is my newest inspiration, it's my newest comfort. It is ok to change things up. It's ok to fall in love and to be open about it. It's ok to be spontaneous and responsible at the same time, it can happen.

Some times I feel like good things can't last long or that if I'm not doing something exactly like others than I don't stand a chance. But good things do happen to me and I do stand a chance. I have dear people around me that make me realize it's ok to be different and it's more than ok to be happy. Even when you feel like your past drains you or that inadequacy is all you feel, you can rise up. I'm the happiest I've been in a long time and I can attribute that to my closest friends. To the people who aren't afraid to tell me they love me and show it more than they say it. Talk is cheap, right?

It's the best feeling when you're just driving in your car and you can't help but smile. I laugh when no one else is around and though it may seem crazy, it feels so good. I wish everyone could be driven to happiness just by realizing where they stand. I wish I could do that more often myself. I wish I could show more gratitude to those who make me feel this way. What do you give to people who have already given you the world? A thank you card doesn't seem like it would do it justice. Flowers? Chocolates? Genuine jewelry? No one item seems enough and I think anything given could only provide temporary happiness. I know I would be sad again once the chocolate is gone ;)

I don't feel like I have much to say but to show gratitude and to serve others is all I can try to do. Happiness comes from families. From my own family, from long lost family and new families that treat me like one of their own. It comes from dreaming of my own family one day and the man who I will stand beside.

This one goes to the those who have been brought down by their own thoughts. To long distance lovers and to the future. We are all being watched over.

-Ani