Raise thy standard

I was told today of something a dear relief society president once said. She said that even though she wasn't married until later in life, she knew where her future husband was every six months. He was at the priesthood session of General Conference. What faith she had!!! And what a standard she set for her future husband. I know I was told at a young age to find my stance and stand it. If I didn't want to date until I was sixteen I had to decide that for myself and stand my ground. If I didn't want to smoke or swear, I needed to decide and be unwavering. It doesn't go away in tough times of a "single college woman." It is something we have to decide daily. Am I going to be stronger today? Am I going to stand my ground?

In all of my years of dating I was alway told to not settle. I was told that I am a daughter of God and I should set my standard high. Anyone worth marrying will rise themselves to meet my standards. I don't think I ever fully appreciated those words. Setting a standard does not mean dating someone to see if you can make them better. It's about choosing someone who is worth it to begin with. I don't think it's easy to imagine a sinner demanding someone who is worthy. I know I'm a sinner and I have a hard time remembering I deserve an eternal family with someone who loves me and works equally with me. That comes from doubt. I know I deserve it and I will have an eternal family in the future but it's doesn't mean I've always thought this. It is something I've had to learn. It is something that I've that has come with the goodness of the atonement. Even stained souls can return.

Many of the talks given today has told me to look passed the short comings of people and find their potential. Myself included. The atonement can heal any who truly seeks it. Healing takes forgiveness. We must forgive and we must forgive ourselves. We must raise a standard and protect ourselves from the doubt that may come from experiencing weakness and giving in to temptation. We must have courage to set a standard, to stand out in the crowd and to find others who stand beside us.

There is nothing more satisfying than being a true witness of Christ and showing him where you stand by the decision you have made here and now to follow him. Let us all have the faith to know where we stand and that our loved ones stand beside us. We are equal and we will not settle but rather fortify our faith with that one person who will walk beside us in eternity with our families. We are all brothers and sisters striving for the same goal. Some just have a harder time remembering. May we help each other remember.

Here is to another day as a daughter of God. Here is to the people who I aspire to be because of the faith they have shown me. Finally, here is to my family. On this earth and in heaven, here now and here to come.

-Ani

When everything seems so far away.

Sometimes it seems like everything I love is so far away from me. My family first of all. Why do I choose to live places where I don't have family connection? It's been so long since I've seen these dear loved ones. My boyfriend second of all. I've never been one to "do long distance" but once I decided I could do it, it has taught me so many things. I know I am strong enough to get through trials. Heavenly Father has never tempted me above what I am able to withstand. Whether or not I stay strong or give in to weakness, there has always been a way to get through hard times. I often forget this. This week alone, I forgot it as if I never knew it.

I am so blessed with people who love me and help me in ways they don't even know. I'm surrounded by love! I live with my best friends for Heavens' sake! Why I forget I'm loved is beyond me. I believe it has a lot to do with my last post. My selfish heart has definitely gotten the better of me this semester. I don't believe I've served enough and my thoughts were centered around me and getting through my trials. Yes, I do have to think of me sometimes but I thought of me too much this semester. I heard many times this semester that there is much worse things than having to do art projects or take tests in a wonderful university. Some people are fighting cancer and trying to enjoy life and I'm just complaining. Yes, bad things happen to me and my loved ones sometimes but they are so minute compared to the grand scheme of life.

What makes it worse is that I bottle things up... all the time! So when selfish thoughts arrive, they consume me. Starting right now, I'm going to change that. Last week, a professor of mine challenged us to make goals. Not for next month or next week or tomorrow, he challenged us to make changes now. In this minute in this hour in this day in the 2013 year of the Lord, I am a better person than I was five minutes ago (or at least I hope so). If I am not, I will be in five minutes from now. You know how they say change is constant? Well it is, I just have to make sure that change is always moving me forward and helping others along the way.

I have found comfort today in these simple words, "Be still my soul." It's a wonderful message and it seems to be popping up everywhere recently. It's what I need to hear and I'm sure I will hear a lot more hard truth and comfort tomorrow during General Conference.

Be still my soul, the Lord is on thy side.
Through patience bear thy cross of grief and pain
Leave to thy God, to order and provide,
In every change, he faithful will remain.
BE STILL MY SOUL! Thy best, thy heavenly friend
through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

I've forgotten that I have a best friend in heaven. Love seems so far away because I have forgotten; because it is easy to worry about me and forget the simplicity of life. Where has it all gone?

Here is to another day to a better me, to leaving other people better than I found them and rediscovering the simplicity of life. And this is to finding answers to life questions. Happy conference weekend!

-Ani

My Selfish Soul.

Do you ever feel selfish? Even when others swear that they don't think you're selfish, do you think you are? Today, I feel selfish. Running through my head is a list of "wants." I want this semester to be over, I want to be hugged. I want to sleep my day away and not do homework. I want to be kissed and I want to be loved. I want to feel like my time is worth something and I want to learn how to prioritize. I want to prove myself... to myself! I want to forget somethings I hate about me and to be be more patient. I want to love people more unconditionally. I want more chocolate and I want to be alone without the loneliness. I want to have better fashion and to learn to look cute. I want to dance better and I want to teach. I want to find passion for photography again. I want to sing better too! I, Stephani Ray, want to be stronger than the things that bring me down.

I can't even find anything else to say. To all other selfish souls

-Ani

Awkward moments.

Life is full of awkward moments. I can say I've truly been embarrassed only a few times in my short life but awkward moments I encounter daily! I've seen it all, from awkwardly walking in on your roommates making out to walking into an hour long class 55 minutes late because you think you're five minutes early. Ok, maybe I haven't just seen those awkward moments... I've experienced them! Like the moment you lose something and it's sitting in your hand or when you call your boyfriend by your ex-boyfriends name. I think even though it may take me a moment to recuperate they actually aren't embarrassing, just perfectly awkward.

I don't really like to be quiet, the silence kills me and I think it is indeed VERY awkward. I like to carry on conversations by creating small talk and I don't find it weird but I've recently learned that others do. Is it wrong to want to be friendly to people you don't really know that well? Why can't you just take time and entertain me with small talk? How else are you supposed to get to know someone? 

When I was younger I was quiet and to myself really. I like to call myself a bedroom artist. My fondest memories are in my room creating masterpieces. I did it all! Dancing, singing and I even wrote my own songs. Nothing I would share today but I wouldn't share it then either. If anyone would walk in on my work I would promptly deter and pretend to do something else. I liked my solitude and wouldn't give it up for anything. Something changed when I made several location moves in my life, however, and I've opened up a lot. In high school my mother always called me a social butterfly and while I still hold my alone time to a high standard, I think there is good in creating conversation with random people. My outgoing self might even be offended if you deny me of that simple pleasure but I cannot be too mad if people aren't comfortable with it. 

I try to think of the word "awkward" and how much it is used in our culture today. I can't imagine people 30 years ago physically saying "awkward" in moments of discomfort like we do. I think it's funny but what is even funnier to think about awkward moments that might have happened in ancient time. Do you think the 12 disciples encountered awkward situations? I'm sure they did but they either handled it very well or didn't write about the truly awkward things. There are situations when they were in places they wouldn't normally go without Christ, such as into places with leprosy but it didn't stop them from doing it. People went places that were uncomfortable and they dealt with it. I'm sure they tried to avoid it just as we do but it's just not the same. I can't really think of any awkward moment relatable to ancient time or even renaissance time. We are just a weird generation!

This is to the words that slip out of your mouth before you can process what you are trying to say. And to many more days of making fools of ourselves. No matter what race, size, make or model.... Happy living

-Ani

Just thoughts of the day..

Oh Rexburg! You do funny things to me. You break me down, you build me up and you make me want to do crazy things. Things like sleeping in or eating more chocolate than I should. Recently you've even made me want to run away... So I gave into that temptation, I did it! I went to Vegas. It was crazy, it was fun and it was the best thing I've decided to do all year. It was spontaneous but relaxing and productive all at the same time. It was so nice to get away for a while and find out that I don't have limitations, there is so much to be done and endless opportunities.

It wasn't until this week that I realized I don't really do things for me. I've been in this routine since I've started college of going to school, going home, and coming back to school adding more load than the previous semester... repeat. I have this perception of life that this was the only way things worked. It's not true. I have the routine and if things are supposed to be, they will fit into that routine... that's not true either. You have to take chances and you have to step up to the plate if you want to even have a chance to hit a homerun. I know I definitely can't do it from the bleachers.

I don't want to turn this into a sappy post or lessons for those people that are just like me. But this is my newest inspiration, it's my newest comfort. It is ok to change things up. It's ok to fall in love and to be open about it. It's ok to be spontaneous and responsible at the same time, it can happen.

Some times I feel like good things can't last long or that if I'm not doing something exactly like others than I don't stand a chance. But good things do happen to me and I do stand a chance. I have dear people around me that make me realize it's ok to be different and it's more than ok to be happy. Even when you feel like your past drains you or that inadequacy is all you feel, you can rise up. I'm the happiest I've been in a long time and I can attribute that to my closest friends. To the people who aren't afraid to tell me they love me and show it more than they say it. Talk is cheap, right?

It's the best feeling when you're just driving in your car and you can't help but smile. I laugh when no one else is around and though it may seem crazy, it feels so good. I wish everyone could be driven to happiness just by realizing where they stand. I wish I could do that more often myself. I wish I could show more gratitude to those who make me feel this way. What do you give to people who have already given you the world? A thank you card doesn't seem like it would do it justice. Flowers? Chocolates? Genuine jewelry? No one item seems enough and I think anything given could only provide temporary happiness. I know I would be sad again once the chocolate is gone ;)

I don't feel like I have much to say but to show gratitude and to serve others is all I can try to do. Happiness comes from families. From my own family, from long lost family and new families that treat me like one of their own. It comes from dreaming of my own family one day and the man who I will stand beside.

This one goes to the those who have been brought down by their own thoughts. To long distance lovers and to the future. We are all being watched over.

-Ani

"The strength of a woman can be found within her soul"

Way back when, or so it seems, a dear friend and I would give our goodbyes by saying, "Have fun." After realizing just how much we were saying it it morphed into another phrase, "Stay strong."Now saying it for over four years, I have a little something to say about it...

It's so hard to simply "stay strong"!!!

Some say if you aren't going forward, you're going nowhere. I agree with that and staying strong means nothing without getting strong and being strong continually. Once upon a time I did think I was strong. Boy was I wrong!!! I will admit maybe I wasn't "wrong" but staying strong in high school terms is not strong enough for todays terms. Life goes on and trials get harder. Strength grows weak if not nurtured and sought after.

And isn't life much easier when you aren't doing things alone? I wouldn't say I'm "lonely" in fact I've picked up the overwhelming thought that things are better when you can do them yourself. Like having an OCD over everything. Truth is that life is better when you have someone to be strong with. For a lot of reasons, I haven't sought after a social life here in Davenport and I can see what that mistake has done to me. I've not made any progress which has brought my strength down.

Day by day you can choose to be stronger but there is only so much you can do for yourself. You have to open up and let others bless your life as you bless theirs. Zion is not one person, after all, it is a group of people with one heart and one mind.

How great would it be to achieve the goal of Zion? it would be fabulous to me. I usually end with a toast to something so my toast today is to the weak....

Here's to the weak that are still striving, to the dreams of the weary, and to the stubborn that don't let people in like I do. We are still deserving and just need to accept help to get us to where we need to be.

-Ani

When under attack

When under attack, you hope you've prepared enough to survive it. It's easy to feel attacked or fed to the dogs, but where is the light of hope? Where is the comfort of home?

This is to another day. This is hope for tomorrow. This is hope to find home.