Rank of importance

I had a fun experience just now. I was rereading my journal clenching my fists. I was afraid I was going to read some old memories that might cause me pain. I was expecting the worst but I did not find it. Surprisingly, I found more hope than regret and wanting to tear out pages.

Honestly I was afraid of one thing. I was afraid I would read peoples' names and have to relive why they aren't in my life anymore but I couldn't find a single entry that satisfied that fear. How on earth did I accomplish to leave out some "important" names and places if they were truly that important to me? Here's how, I was blinded by the moment. Miraculously, my subconscious writing still knew I was looking towards the future though and it is wonderful.

So how do I subconsciously know the rank of importance in my spotty journal writing and I can't grasp it in my daily life? How do I rank importance? Where do I even start? I would like to share a little thought not because I'm an expert but it's advice I would like to take to heart more.

There aren't formulas to life!

I forget this... everyday. I may not be a math expert but I have a personality that requires organization and knowing what's around the corner. I cannot study for a test unless I know if a question is asked then I will have a word for word answer. I'm good at memorizing and I'm always trying to find ways to put life into a formula. Too bad I can't live like that forever. Things happen and change. It's all about adaptability. That is something I wish I learned a little more from my parents. It seems like they are the most adaptable people I know. How did they end up with a daughter that wants life turned into a formula that guarantees no failure? I am truly afraid of failure. I am afraid! And I'm still working on finding peace. I could easily blame it on indoctrination of the education system. Aren't we all waiting for that report card that says pass or fail? Aren't we all wondering if we wrote our answer in a way that the teacher sees we truly understand? Oh well, it's our choice to let this rule our lives or not.

Keep an eye on the future!! Live life in the moment but live it for tomorrow. That's hard to remember. Do you ever forget that this final is only a hurdle today? Even my wise professor said of his own final, "it's only stressful today. In ten years or even one, you will not remember this test or even my name." I doubt I will ever forget this professor but he is on to something. Yes, a degree is important and the tests that give us that degree, but... are we willing to sacrifice our standards let our stress get to us? Are we willing to let it interfere with our happiness?

The same professor that gave this advice talked of an acquaintance that said he had to give up church on sunday to study and better prepare for his Bar exams. At first it was one "sacrifice" that led to another. Soon enough he was drinking regularly and it impaired his family relationship. His wife and children left and he even failed the Bar. This may be an extreme case but it is a good visual for me, the girl still looking for formulas.

Stress is not more important than the conscious effort to serve those in need even in your time of need. A job is not more important than a good standing with God or your family. A temporary good feeling does not get put before eternal happiness consciously. That comes through impatience and lack of strength. We are not going to be strong all the time but we do need to know what we find truly important and hold onto those. Heavenly Father does not expect us to walk on this earth alone or to be confident all that time. It's ok to wonder and to learn for ourselves but we must have priorities and act on them.

If I could do one thing over and even start right now, I would put in place a reminder I couldn't ignore that God is my priority. Reading scriptures and praying daily is a strength. There is nothing more important than setting aside a few minutes to counsel with the Lord. I would like that reminder to be the people I love. When I look at them I want to think about the importance of family and God who gave them to me. I want them to look at me and not be saddened by my choice of friends or manor of dress. I want to make sure everyone of them is sitting in Heaven with me. "No empty chairs."

Here is to everyone who is afraid or maybe lacking confidence. I am not perfect and have a long way to go before I am an expert at setting priorities but I know it is important. Set priorities and don't be shaken. Take one day at a time and you know you will find me right there with you.

-Ani