Exposed to the elements

Lately, I've found myself getting irritated when people ask me what's wrong. Like there's always something wrong. Yes, I am defensive. I will admit, I am lifted up in my pride. I can't stand when it seems like I'm being ignored and then when I have down time to relax automatically it means I'm depressed or "Stephani's slipping away!" I think myself to be pretty optimistic and smily most of the time, am I fooling myself? I sure hope not!

So today after church, my brother exclaimed he wanted to sit next to me at dinner because I was having "sad time." That definitely wasn't the case but I love that he shows me so much love recently. He even told me today (after telling my mom one of my friends got a new girlfriend) that I am much cooler than other girls. He said, "she wouldn't challenge him to burping contest!" That made me giggle for a long while. No, I may not be "better" than anyone else but I do feel cool now. Who else WOULD challenge their boyfriends to a burping contest? Oh right, nobody with manners :)

There is no better joy than this. But when you realize you're weird that is when you find yourself exposed, whether or not you can handle it. It's the bad word that slips when you hurt your finger or the act of kindness caught in action. I think every life decision has risk and every risk means uncertainty. Uncertainty may mean hurt but not always. Taking a step and following your heart may show you just how wrong you are. I have a tendency to misread things and I know I'm not alone. Daily I find I have to make decisions I don't want to make or am not ready to make but they have to happen. It leaves me exposed and uncomfortable. I think I know what's best for me and sometimes I'm wrong. Sometimes I don't get the chance to find out or fall into others' management because I really just don't want to decide. And who are we kidding? It is always easier for someone else to decide because it's a TON easier to blame other people.

Being stagnant and exposed to the elements is frightening to me. Who wants to be left in the elements exposing everything they hide or try to cover up? When our self image is striped away and we are facing facts face to face, where do I stand? Do I even stand at all? Do I feel naked and ashamed? Do I drop to the floor trying to hide or cover up as much of me as possible? Do I stand with dignity? Do I know where I've done wrong and can I accept it?

Just thinking about these things in daily life, I think about the "end," the last days, and judgment. Where do we stand? Have we reached a Zion nation? I don't think so but maybe I'm the only one who has selfish tendencies... who knows! I should be stoned and cast in the fire for being the way I am. I am proud, not always in a good way. I can sometimes be self righteous. I try so hard not to judge others but in doing so, I judge those who openly judge others. I eat too much sugar and not enough substance. I try so hard to honor my parents and I fail. I use sentences like, "not to be mean or anything but..." or "I love you but.." just setting myself up to say something unkind and justify it all in the same breath. Sorry if this post makes you realize how bad I am but it's true and it's everything I need to work on. I even sometimes love hearing what other people think and how they feel towards others to justify my unkind thoughts and feelings further. I'm bad, I know.

The list can go on and on and it does. Since institute this last week I've had a scripture passage on my mind and I cannot shake it, Moroni 7:45-47. "Charity is kind!" I'm starting to believe I have no charity because every description of charity is everything I don't have. I am far from perfect and no where close to being ready to meet my Savior. I've definitely caused him more pain than he deserves, no one deserves to suffer because of me, my actions or my pride.

Nonetheless, I know my Savior loves me and though I'll never be able to completely repay him I can sure try. We are here to live and learn. To fall and to get back up. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Later Day Saints and most importantly, I am a Christian. I don't deserve seconds chances, ever, but I get them and I am grateful. I know I can live again with my Father in Heaven. I can find happiness with my family not just for this life but for all eternity and I plan to share that with someone special who I've chosen to raise a family with. I'm grateful for agency and I know no one can take that away from me.

A really good friend of mine once shared a quote that touched my heart, "The only truly unique gift that we can give God is our will, everything else is'are just things he has given to us and blessed us with."

To another week of fighting temptations
-Ani