The Luckiest Girl

The past month I've found Colton and myself mentioning how blessed we are. In the car on the way to the grocery store, as I'm getting tucked in to bed and even when we're cleaning the kitchen. I have been grateful for the life I've been given and the opportunity I have to lead my own life, with choices and consequences. It brings a smile to my face when I hear Colton say, "I don't know what anyone is talking about when they say the first year of marriage is hard." Either I'm doing something completely right as a first time wife or we are extremely blessed.

Yes, today is my one year anniversary and I don't have anything to complain about! Colton is right in saying we've had a very easy year together. Every one told us how hard it would be to transition from single to married life and how we would fight but learn important things from it. Well, we have had our differences but neither of us think we "fight." I know I'm not the best communicator but Colton has definitely opened me up more than I was and I'm getting better. It's comforting knowing I have someone who encourages me to speak my mind and though it has taken patience on his part, I eventually always do. 

I thought the hardest things for me would be moving to vegas (so far away from my family), and learning to share finances with another person. It took some adjusting to those but it wasn't necessarily "hard." For one, I honestly think I'm "living the life." For two, it's easier to be financially stable with more than just one income. The blessing I've found in sharing finances with Colton is we keep each other in check. We know what we want to put into savings and we can talk about what's needed vs what's wanted. Yes, we are driven by our wants sometimes because it's fun and we can afford to at the moment. This is the most surprising because after all the advice was given about a hard first year, I thought we would struggle a ton in the financial arena. I just expected it.

Every day I can honestly tell myself I made the right choice. I think there is so much pressure put on young adults to make the right decision that it's natural to doubt. I'm a compulsive worrier and thought I would always wonder in small degrees if there was some road less travelled by that I should've taken but this is not the case. As cheesy as it sounds, I know every broken heart and every opportunity lost brought me to where I am. There is a reason I got rejected more than once to the Disney College internship. There is a reason I transferred colleges and there is a reason my dad was always right! No matter how hard I fought The Great Houdini's wisdom, it was always going to turn out this way so long as I was choosing the right. I wasn't wasting time in other relationships, I was growing to be a better woman and to gain experiences I will now be able to pass on to my daughter. It's not to keep her from making mistakes or forcing her to live a certain way but I'm sure it will help me bond with all my children. It helps me realize everyday that I am simply a human being and even though my goal is to be Super Woman, it's better knowing I'm the daughter of a king who found my prince charming eventually. 

I am grateful I have this knowledge too. Who else feels this way? Do you feel the happiness of simply knowing? Of learning? Or feel the blessing of retaining information? To know is a very powerful thing. To love unconditionally and be loved in return is pure bliss. When you know love, problems seem to fix themselves in time.

I could go on forever about how lucky I am but I think I'm about to reach the point of gloating and I don't want that! I recognize the good things that have happened and the happiness it has brought me and my husband. I truly believe this is in everyone's reach. I wish I could share this feeling and help people find it through positivity. I'm not positive all the time but when I get a feeling like this, it's hard to remember what negativity is.

Here's to another year with my sweetheart and a new adventure with our daughter. I hope we can always remember our blessings and the things we've learned in this first year. I love you, Colton!

-Ani

Total Eclipse of Emotions

Anyone who read my last post knows how I've been affected by hormones recently. This is definitely all about my emotions and what I've felt recently so you might want to stop reading now. You've received your warning!

Yesterday I woke up late for a doctors appointment and experienced total panic. I HATE the feeling you get when you have missed something, especially when it's after you wake up. The sinking stupidity that you feel when you sleep through your alarm clock and are late for work is exactly what I felt. Once I called the office to get a later appointment I was relieved and left to be happy again.

I've had some bad experience with the doctor's office I go to mostly through hours of waiting and staffing besides the doctors. That being said, I was determined to not be bothered by anything that may arise. I walked in, signed in, filled out a form and patiently waited, I wasn't waiting too long so I was still a happy girl by the time I got to see the doctor.

While in the office I got my exam and after finding out I am not dilated at all, I received a quick ultrasound to see baby's position. I was NOT surprised when they told me she was sitting straight up just as I do every day. Her head is close to my heart and her feet are dancing on my bladder. I was surprised, however, when they next told me this position would make it so I have to have a cesarean section. If you know me then you know this almost made me pass out thinking of being cut and stitched but instead I tried to talk to the doctor calmly and fought back tears until she left. If she does not change position then we will have to go through with the scheduled operation for the safety of my little sweetheart. We are praying for the best and if it so be she will not turn, we will be grateful for a healthy baby.

The wave of emotions came as we were driving away. The surprise of this news sent me in a million different directions. I felt everything! I was a little angry that this could be my fault not doing enough exercises or being proactive like all the other pregnant people around me. I've been so caught up in work and enjoying the time I have with Colton, being just us, that I just haven't felt I've prepared myself physically or adequately. After the anger was the sadness. I was slowly sinking into my brain trying to figure this out and deal with this and it just made me sad. I was sad and still am utterly afraid of what could happen.

The fear hit me hardest. I just never considered that this could be an option unless there were complications during my "planned" natural birth. Then I felt selfish. I became angry that I wouldn't have considered this.

Then I felt relieved. Once I accepted that this is a new possibility, I realized it's kind of great knowing when my baby will come and that she will be safer if I get over my fear and take one for the team. We still pray something will change but I know the best thing will happen for me and my family. We have THREE weeks and a lot could change.

That is my spectrum of emotions and after all is said and done, I am still exhausted! I am grateful we know good from evil, and happiness from sadness but I never thought I would need to experience so many opposites in one day.

Your prayers are appreciated for our little girl but we know the best will happen. This news is not the end of the world but simply the beginning decision that will help Ellie start her life safely.

-Ani