Rank of importance

I had a fun experience just now. I was rereading my journal clenching my fists. I was afraid I was going to read some old memories that might cause me pain. I was expecting the worst but I did not find it. Surprisingly, I found more hope than regret and wanting to tear out pages.

Honestly I was afraid of one thing. I was afraid I would read peoples' names and have to relive why they aren't in my life anymore but I couldn't find a single entry that satisfied that fear. How on earth did I accomplish to leave out some "important" names and places if they were truly that important to me? Here's how, I was blinded by the moment. Miraculously, my subconscious writing still knew I was looking towards the future though and it is wonderful.

So how do I subconsciously know the rank of importance in my spotty journal writing and I can't grasp it in my daily life? How do I rank importance? Where do I even start? I would like to share a little thought not because I'm an expert but it's advice I would like to take to heart more.

There aren't formulas to life!

I forget this... everyday. I may not be a math expert but I have a personality that requires organization and knowing what's around the corner. I cannot study for a test unless I know if a question is asked then I will have a word for word answer. I'm good at memorizing and I'm always trying to find ways to put life into a formula. Too bad I can't live like that forever. Things happen and change. It's all about adaptability. That is something I wish I learned a little more from my parents. It seems like they are the most adaptable people I know. How did they end up with a daughter that wants life turned into a formula that guarantees no failure? I am truly afraid of failure. I am afraid! And I'm still working on finding peace. I could easily blame it on indoctrination of the education system. Aren't we all waiting for that report card that says pass or fail? Aren't we all wondering if we wrote our answer in a way that the teacher sees we truly understand? Oh well, it's our choice to let this rule our lives or not.

Keep an eye on the future!! Live life in the moment but live it for tomorrow. That's hard to remember. Do you ever forget that this final is only a hurdle today? Even my wise professor said of his own final, "it's only stressful today. In ten years or even one, you will not remember this test or even my name." I doubt I will ever forget this professor but he is on to something. Yes, a degree is important and the tests that give us that degree, but... are we willing to sacrifice our standards let our stress get to us? Are we willing to let it interfere with our happiness?

The same professor that gave this advice talked of an acquaintance that said he had to give up church on sunday to study and better prepare for his Bar exams. At first it was one "sacrifice" that led to another. Soon enough he was drinking regularly and it impaired his family relationship. His wife and children left and he even failed the Bar. This may be an extreme case but it is a good visual for me, the girl still looking for formulas.

Stress is not more important than the conscious effort to serve those in need even in your time of need. A job is not more important than a good standing with God or your family. A temporary good feeling does not get put before eternal happiness consciously. That comes through impatience and lack of strength. We are not going to be strong all the time but we do need to know what we find truly important and hold onto those. Heavenly Father does not expect us to walk on this earth alone or to be confident all that time. It's ok to wonder and to learn for ourselves but we must have priorities and act on them.

If I could do one thing over and even start right now, I would put in place a reminder I couldn't ignore that God is my priority. Reading scriptures and praying daily is a strength. There is nothing more important than setting aside a few minutes to counsel with the Lord. I would like that reminder to be the people I love. When I look at them I want to think about the importance of family and God who gave them to me. I want them to look at me and not be saddened by my choice of friends or manor of dress. I want to make sure everyone of them is sitting in Heaven with me. "No empty chairs."

Here is to everyone who is afraid or maybe lacking confidence. I am not perfect and have a long way to go before I am an expert at setting priorities but I know it is important. Set priorities and don't be shaken. Take one day at a time and you know you will find me right there with you.

-Ani

Raise thy standard

I was told today of something a dear relief society president once said. She said that even though she wasn't married until later in life, she knew where her future husband was every six months. He was at the priesthood session of General Conference. What faith she had!!! And what a standard she set for her future husband. I know I was told at a young age to find my stance and stand it. If I didn't want to date until I was sixteen I had to decide that for myself and stand my ground. If I didn't want to smoke or swear, I needed to decide and be unwavering. It doesn't go away in tough times of a "single college woman." It is something we have to decide daily. Am I going to be stronger today? Am I going to stand my ground?

In all of my years of dating I was alway told to not settle. I was told that I am a daughter of God and I should set my standard high. Anyone worth marrying will rise themselves to meet my standards. I don't think I ever fully appreciated those words. Setting a standard does not mean dating someone to see if you can make them better. It's about choosing someone who is worth it to begin with. I don't think it's easy to imagine a sinner demanding someone who is worthy. I know I'm a sinner and I have a hard time remembering I deserve an eternal family with someone who loves me and works equally with me. That comes from doubt. I know I deserve it and I will have an eternal family in the future but it's doesn't mean I've always thought this. It is something I've had to learn. It is something that I've that has come with the goodness of the atonement. Even stained souls can return.

Many of the talks given today has told me to look passed the short comings of people and find their potential. Myself included. The atonement can heal any who truly seeks it. Healing takes forgiveness. We must forgive and we must forgive ourselves. We must raise a standard and protect ourselves from the doubt that may come from experiencing weakness and giving in to temptation. We must have courage to set a standard, to stand out in the crowd and to find others who stand beside us.

There is nothing more satisfying than being a true witness of Christ and showing him where you stand by the decision you have made here and now to follow him. Let us all have the faith to know where we stand and that our loved ones stand beside us. We are equal and we will not settle but rather fortify our faith with that one person who will walk beside us in eternity with our families. We are all brothers and sisters striving for the same goal. Some just have a harder time remembering. May we help each other remember.

Here is to another day as a daughter of God. Here is to the people who I aspire to be because of the faith they have shown me. Finally, here is to my family. On this earth and in heaven, here now and here to come.

-Ani

When everything seems so far away.

Sometimes it seems like everything I love is so far away from me. My family first of all. Why do I choose to live places where I don't have family connection? It's been so long since I've seen these dear loved ones. My boyfriend second of all. I've never been one to "do long distance" but once I decided I could do it, it has taught me so many things. I know I am strong enough to get through trials. Heavenly Father has never tempted me above what I am able to withstand. Whether or not I stay strong or give in to weakness, there has always been a way to get through hard times. I often forget this. This week alone, I forgot it as if I never knew it.

I am so blessed with people who love me and help me in ways they don't even know. I'm surrounded by love! I live with my best friends for Heavens' sake! Why I forget I'm loved is beyond me. I believe it has a lot to do with my last post. My selfish heart has definitely gotten the better of me this semester. I don't believe I've served enough and my thoughts were centered around me and getting through my trials. Yes, I do have to think of me sometimes but I thought of me too much this semester. I heard many times this semester that there is much worse things than having to do art projects or take tests in a wonderful university. Some people are fighting cancer and trying to enjoy life and I'm just complaining. Yes, bad things happen to me and my loved ones sometimes but they are so minute compared to the grand scheme of life.

What makes it worse is that I bottle things up... all the time! So when selfish thoughts arrive, they consume me. Starting right now, I'm going to change that. Last week, a professor of mine challenged us to make goals. Not for next month or next week or tomorrow, he challenged us to make changes now. In this minute in this hour in this day in the 2013 year of the Lord, I am a better person than I was five minutes ago (or at least I hope so). If I am not, I will be in five minutes from now. You know how they say change is constant? Well it is, I just have to make sure that change is always moving me forward and helping others along the way.

I have found comfort today in these simple words, "Be still my soul." It's a wonderful message and it seems to be popping up everywhere recently. It's what I need to hear and I'm sure I will hear a lot more hard truth and comfort tomorrow during General Conference.

Be still my soul, the Lord is on thy side.
Through patience bear thy cross of grief and pain
Leave to thy God, to order and provide,
In every change, he faithful will remain.
BE STILL MY SOUL! Thy best, thy heavenly friend
through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

I've forgotten that I have a best friend in heaven. Love seems so far away because I have forgotten; because it is easy to worry about me and forget the simplicity of life. Where has it all gone?

Here is to another day to a better me, to leaving other people better than I found them and rediscovering the simplicity of life. And this is to finding answers to life questions. Happy conference weekend!

-Ani