It's not hard to notice I stand out just a bit here in Las Vegas. Partially due to the look on my face, the wonder and confusion I have about the new area. Partially the Iowa plates and how I dress. Just yesterday I found my self thinking that it's almost december and I should probably put on a jacket because it's going to be getting colder.... I was wrong. Yesterday was the hottest day all week! I was out in a scarf and a winter coat surrounded by shorts, T-shirts and bikinis still being sold in the stores.
I've come to terms with new moves and change but I'm overwhelmed with unease. I feel as if I am walking through settled lives merely looking in on how other people live. They are comfortable in their own lives and I am a disturbance. Perhaps disturbance is only to be used in certain occasions but in all, I am definitely an outsider. I hope it's just me getting used to the idea of "settling" myself. And I only wish it were easier.
I'll be honest, I've hardened my heart just a little because I do have expectations. I have expectations that people are friendly and can relate to my situation but here they cannot. I expect people to hold conversation and pretend to be interested in our encounter but they are not. I expect turn over and being more lucky with another group of people but I am not. I want so much to reach out and serve but I am restrained by the sadness of being an outsider. I never want to step on toes or intrude so I politely sit quiet. I want to be the friendly person to a new face like I didn't have but how dare I? HOW DARE I?
Even when I try to reach out, I feel slightly rejected. Some don't even tell me their names. Do you think you need to distance yourself from me? Will your name give me some leverage into your life that you don't want me to have? AM I AN ALIEN?! I promise not to hold you hostage against your will and keep you as a pet!
I know there are bonds stronger here than I could find strength to forge on my own. Of course it's hard to forge a bond without someone else. It's like I throw the rope and tie myself up!! I will admit I'm comfortable this way but even with a loving husband and a playmate named Mac, I cannot help but long for another friendship. A friendship that doesn't consist of Call of Duty or throwing a ball so you can bring it back to me. A friendship that can get me out of the house and out of my comfort zone. Something outside of a "hi" before sunday school or family relations. I want to talk about what I'm reading or what's good recipes to cook. I want to ask someone questions and an answer to be more than "alright." I can listen for hours but I'd like to talk too.
This isn't the first time I've felt like an outsider and I've had a happy ending before. I'm sure my present situation will not last forever either. Previously, when I felt alone, on the outside, it only took one person and a reminder that Jesus Christ is my friend. When the road is long and the nights are dark, I'm only slightly alone. So here it is SANTA! This holiday season I simply ask for a friend. I want to be wanted and I want to show love and friendship toward someone else. If not my talents will surely be wasted!!
Now I know this blog seems unusual and I sound like I've been complaining. But I assure you I am not. I am still optimistic though my heart is a little sad. I don't want to feel like an outsider and I don't want to make anyone else feel that way either.
For all of those far away, remember your friends. Hold them dear to your heart and show them your love. I know there are many more people in the world that feel more lonely than me. If that is you, I pray for you too! Rejoice for the life you have.
-Stephani
No comments:
Post a Comment