Do you ever wonder what the effects of today will have on tomorrow? Do you think about the action but don't really know of the true long term consequences? I always find myself stressing over what today will do for tomorrow. More often then not the next day will pass followed by a few more and the stress is gone. Thank goodness for the ease placed on my heart over a certain period of time. I know it's not the end of the world making decisions but it can sometimes feel that way. The reason I say this is because I've finally realized the long term consequences of choices I didn't know would actually have a positive outcome.
A dear friend of mine has walked back into my life and made me think of the choices I made way back when. We were really close but polar opposites in every way and that is still true to this day. I am a mormon girl who goes to church every Sunday and I don't think twice about it. I am set on my decision to be drug and alcohol free for life and don't play with that fire. Don't get me wrong, I lack a lot in my life but smoking and drinking will never be a temptation to me. As for my friend, being German and us both in high school, he loved his culture. Spending his weekends downtown and just sitting in the local bar making conversation was comfortable for him. Every invitation he made for me to join was politely turned down but secretly, it killed me inside. For one I wanted to hang out with my friend as much as possible and I just wanted an invitation that wasn't to go downtown or hang out and watch him play PS3. For two, I didn't want to hear that my friend was still deciding to go downtown and emerge himself in the pleading danger asking for trouble. Nonetheless, I never said yes and we drifted apart. He continued on with what he did and we graduated high school as acquaintances without talking for a year and a half.
You wouldn't even guess that to my surprise he found my phone number and called me late one night while I was In Rexburg up with late night homework. He told me about how he was going into basic training and he was moving with the flow of life all too excited to be a part of the Army's best. That was the last time we could talk before he went in. I was told we would be out of touch for at least 6 months where we should then finally meet back in person. It was an even bigger surprise when I got word from him just a couple months later that he was medically discharged from the Army for the same injury he had when we first became really close. A dislocated shoulder acquired from a wrestling incident became the very reason he would be here today.
As for my side of the story. It isn't a physical injury that I had to play with to bring me to where I am today but choices of yes and no. During my first meeting with my friend I wasn't surprise to hear that he was still inviting me downtown. After all the no's I've given him it's still his comfort zone. I continued to tell him my answer won't change and that's when I heard something I would've never thought to hear from this now grown man. He actually said that he admired that I was unwavering in that aspect and if he were more like me in high school he wouldn't have had to learn some of the lessons he did. Dumping our friendship for the girl spreading rumors about me in high school hurt for a bit but I never regret standing up for all that my parents have taught. Saying no to someone I would've died for, even after getting hurt, was just a small price to pay for that one sentence that came out of his mouth that night. Heaven knows that if I would've known this positive outcome even with a 3 years wait, I would've stood up and shouted "NO!" from every rooftop in every village I could drive to. I would've even said no to a few other guys who weren't asking me to drink or smoke but were asking me to belittle myself. I would've said yes more often to the few people who lifted me up and showed me how to respect myself. And this isn't to get out all the "I would've if I could've because I should've," it's the profound impact that turning down loved ones for the right thing has had on my life.
Do you know what's most amazing? I know I'm not alone. I was convinced all my years in high school that I was alone but it was never true. I now feel obligated to apologize to the few readers I have for talking about my past once again. I think every entry I've posted has been about reflection in some way but right now all I know is where I've been and where I hope to be.
I know my life is no where close to over but this self reflection is keeping me alive and keeps me straight. I love that I was blessed this past week with the face of a dear friend though not like me has lifted me up and encourages me to walk tall in his own weird way. I don't even think he knows it. I hope that five years down the road and every five years after that I can reflect like I do now and be confident in every choice I've made. When in the moment I usually feel like a failure or a bad nightmare that nothing good would come out of but it has. Even the small choices count. I'm sober for life, drug free and know the areas I need to work on. I got friends out of it and lessons I wouldn't do over for anything. Both good and bad things have pushed me along but I can testify it's up to you whether you are being pushed for good or bad.
I know I am a daughter of God and I have worth beyond worldly price. I am here to do all I can do and be that influence that will hopefully show my friend that some things aren't worth learning. We can all guard ourselves against the things that would threaten our self esteem and lower our value. Once upon a time you chose to follow the same beliefs I choose today. We all wanted to be here in the same world together and grow. I just hope we all can remember that and live for the moment looking towards the morrow. There isn't just one path for us. we can be happy in many different directions but you have to discern the paths that are better than rest. I love you all and hope you find all of the answers you are looking for. I hope you find the joy in living and are just as happy about your past as you are about the future.
Forever here for you,
-Ani
