Bad Momma!

So I have to admit, I'm THE definition of a bad mother according to pinterest and every article out there about "How to be a better mother..."

• For starters, I made the choice to go back to work. I LOVE working! I may not love leaving my home or the politics of work but I love customer service. It is so rewarding to me. I dive in deep trying to help guests any way I can and when I get a good review, my heart melts. Not quite the same melt as when my daughter smiles and giggles but a really good feeling overwhelms me. It helps me feel accomplished. I'm reminded that not everything I do is overlooked.
  

• Second, I'm a bad mother because I let my baby watch TV. Yes, I said it. My three month old watches TV!! Shame on me... It started just last week. We were waiting for bedtime to come and I wanted to watch Tangled. I could watch that movie 5 times a day whether or not I'm a mom but now I have a little girl to share the joy with. I laid her down to get a little work done and she didn't fuss for a single minute of the movie. She still gets time on her play mat but she really prefers disney. I can hear her laughing and coo every scene. It's like she's talking to them. It makes her so happy. And yet, I'm made to feel like a bad mother.
  
  I'm not going to lie. I read every article out there about studies done with kids and technology. I still dream about my children playing outside and having the awesome childhood I had. I became judgemental when I saw kids stuck on technology and not interacting with the person sitting next to them. Yet, here I am letting my newborn watch tv so I can get a little work done. Is that really so bad?
  
  
• I am horrible because I pick up my child when she cries AND I let her cry it out. It seems like there are so many mixed articles on the cry it out method and soothing a fussy baby. I'm bad if I do and I'm bad if I don't. During the day, I just pick her up. Not that it's bad to let your child fuss but I like a happy baby during the day. I hold her and I give her a binky whenever she wants.
  
  At night, even though I'd like to sooth her as quick as possible so she doesn't wake herself up, I tend to sleep through the cries. I wake up and don't really know how long she's been crying. But crying means she's alive so that's a miracle to me. My poor husband hears it all and has to nudge me if she's hungry. For the record, when it's just me and her, I am way more alert because I don't rely on someone else to help.
  
  
• Lastly, I'm a bad mother because I have crib bumpers... or HAD crib bumpers. Until the articles and voices of others got to a worried first time dad. My newborn hardly moves in her sleep. I can see the worries for older babies and toddlers but the decision should be left to every parent without judgement. I am well informed of the risks and should be left to do as I please. I shouldn't have had to fight about or be brought to tears over something so silly as crib bumpers before my child was even born. Let a momma BREATHE!
  

Each child will need different and specific parenting. Some co-sleep and some don't. Some breastfeed, some exclusively pump and some give only formula. Inexperienced and first time parents, myself included, have been the worst in bringing me down as a mother. Being a parent is a lot more than just a+b=c. Parenting is ever changing and should be molded for each child. I know I am constantly looking for guidance and don't want to be belittled by the strong opinions of any mother, experienced or not. If I choose to give them every vaccine known to man, I will and if I choose homeopathic methods I should be allowed to do so.

I have a lot more learning to do and I'm finding what works for me and what doesn't. I'm sorry if I have made anyone feel the way I have felt. From this moment on, I promise not to judge you if you don't judge me.

Happy parenting!

Love,
Ani

Rediscovering Happily Ever After

Once upon a time, I had many passions that I served with conviction. This was a time long before the economy stressed me out. It was long before I became a "work-aholic" and before Ellie was even dreamed about. Since I've been blessed with a little girl, I have been able to reflect on the days gone by and it's quite inspiring to me.

In my fairytale, I loved blogging and dancing. I loved taking pictures and took my camera virtually everywhere I went. I would dream about being a stay-at-home mom with her successful business on the side but working with various corporations ruined that for me. They haven't corrupted me, my views simply changed. I starting working as management at a wonderful fast food restaurant. Plans went from "stay-at-home mom" to "store owning and operating individual." I loved working 50 hours a week because with the little pay it meant more money. More hours also meant more experience. I became the reliable employee and was always in the store when we were short staffed. I placed work before a lot of things and that carried over even when I changed companies and job titles. I love being dedicated but it wasn't until recently, at the end of my pregnancy while I was still working, that I realized how much I have truly lost because of it. Now I have all this time to myself I can see everything I've sacrificed so far. It's not all bad. I am so grateful I was able to work at a time when I could and consequently save for our baby girl and for future endeavors.

Things I feel I have lost is all the time to really connect with those around me outside of family members. It's hard to grow close when you work so much that you do not want to do anything outside of your house when you have time off. I truly grew lazy. I lost my connection with people and my desire to be outgoing. I haven't touched my camera in over a year and I certainly don't dance anymore. I know I would be so much happier with these things back in my life. It will take me some time to get comfortable with it all again but I fully intend to not let it get like this again.

I want to clarify that I love working. Working gives me time to get out of my house and I get paid to be productive. What I don't like is working so much as a part time employee that I lose time for other things. As I stated earlier, all of this realization has inspired me to change. I don't want work to rule my life. I want to be in command of my life and I want to be confident in my passions once again.

In the next little bit, I intend to work on my talents and feel competent in those areas. I really want to blog seriously. I want to re-create my life. I am going to make sure I feel accomplished and yet still enjoy life around me. I am going to find time to read more and play with my daughter and pups. I know I will just die of heartache if I find myself neglecting them.

This is a new start to my happily ever after with my husband by my side, our daughter in our arms and our dogs to protect us.

-Ani

Postpartum Report

A lot has happened in the last two weeks and it has been amazing! My baby girl, Eliana Skye, was born on October 8th at 3:07 PM in the Southern Hills hospital in Las Vegas. I fell in love immediately!

As some of you know, a few weeks before Ellie was born, I was told I had to have a cesarean section due to her breech position. I was absolutely TERRIFIED! In my head, this was never an option and I certainly did not expect it. After they told me, I probably cried at LEAST once a day but kept telling myself to accept it because it's better to be safe and have a healthy baby girl than to be stubborn (even though I did continue to fight with the doctors a bit...). 

The night before going in, I cried and cried still. I was brave all morning and throughout the early afternoon but when they wheeled me into the Operating Room, I lost it for the last time. I was so scared and My husband wasn't even allowed in while I was given my spinal block. I was a total mess. The anesthesiologist kept telling me to "STOP CRYING." It wasn't even like I was sobbing uncontrollably that she couldn't do her job, she just wanted to be a little bit insensitive. She even tried bribing me... Yes, you read that right, she BRIBED me. She kept saying, "If you stop crying, I'll let your husband come in sooner." Let's just say that only made it worse as I then re-realize I was alone in a sterile room with nurses I did not know and an angry lady stabbing me with a needle. 

Quickly, I lost all feeling in my hips and legs as I laid there on the table just wanting to run out the door. That, however, was not possible knowing I didn't have any control of my legs and I was about to pass out purely from fear. So instead of running, I laid there embracing myself for the feel of the scalpel as other c-section moms told me I would feel. I must have had an extra dose of numbness because (thankfully!) I did not feel any cutting. The only feeling I had was tugging on my upper abdomen and then... it was over. I got to watch Colton's face the whole time, trying to stay conscious, as he watched the doctors do the procedure. 

I have to tell you now that when I went in to the OR, they told me the surgery will happen and my daughter would be born in less than a few minutes but it would take some time to get me all stitched up and back to my recovery room, most likely up to an hour. I was also told that once my baby was born that Colton would be leaving with her to get measurements and clean her up. Luckily, they didn't leave the room. I got to watch as our daughter laid down to be cleaned up slightly and then weighed and measured. All of the prior fear went away as soon as I saw my husband standing next to Ellie and helping the nurses do their thing. I was emotionally numb at that point and then I was hit with overwhelming joy. Not only do I have the best husband in the world but now we both have a beautiful (slightly grumpy) daughter and our love is only growing!

I was out of the operating room holding Ellie within 10 minutes of her being born. Then she was given a proper bath and I was rolled from operating bed to another bed. I am extremely grateful for the help from Heavenly Father that made me forget my fears and gave us a baby girl. There definitely was no power on this Earth that could've helped me with that beside His love and the Priesthood, through which I was given a blessing some time ago. 

Now, a few things I wasn't told about a c-section. First is that the shot I was given could affect other parts of my body (My shoulders were tingling slightly). Second, I would lose complete feeling around the incision for as little as 6 months and some people never regain feeling in the incision area because the nerves were cut... GREAT! I won't complain but it's definitely a weird feeling. Third, I would have to crawl into a ball before coughing or sneezing to avoid pain. Don't worry if you see me cower randomly throughout the day.  

Anyways, Coming home was great! I wanted to get out of the hospital and get home to my own environment. The dogs went crazy when they first met Ellie and every time she cries, they run to her side as if trying to help. I sincerely think they are worried for her when she cries. It's pretty sweet. Being woken up throughout the night isn't as bad as I thought it would be, either. The first week she slept in her bassinet by our bed so it was pretty easy to access her and comfort her when needed. It was also much easier to wake up rather than having her down the hall. On day six, she spent the night in her crib. This was completely traumatizing to me. She's less than two weeks and I already sob uncontrollable at the thought of her growing up!! She's down the hall and I cry to Colton that I miss our daughter like she flew across the world to live with someone else. Pathetic I know but I love her to pieces. 

I could go on and on about her first week of life but I suppose I should save some for another post. Just know that Eliana Skye is happy and healthy and she has two parents that are completely, obsessively in love with her. Our lives have changed for the best and we are only moving forward. 

With love,

Ani

Home Stretch!

Yup! It's another post about me and my pregnancy. The end is finally in sight and I don't feel much different. Sure, my belly has hit the true home stretch. It simply cannot stretch anymore. I can no longer bend the way I want and it makes the PERFECT table now. Other than that, life is still happening around me!

I haven't had the painful contractions everyone warned me about and I feel like I could live another month like this. But thus it is not so. In 3 days from now, little Ellie will be in my arms rather than in my belly. I wanted to take just a moment to share my gratitude for such a wonderful pregnancy I've had.

With little nausea here and there I really cannot complain at all. I was able to go hiking and do lots of other fun stuff without feeling like I was restricted because I was pregnant. The only one who truly restricted me was my sweet husband. He was at my every beckon call (for the most part). Recently I wish he would just let me help!

If there is one thing I wish I would've done differently is that I wouldn't have worked so much. I would've scheduled my time better and actually ENJOYED the easy pregnancy I had. I would've taken the time to really reflect on what a blessing this little girl would be. After all, you are assisting in creating life. Yes, it's natural for a woman's' body to procreate but it's a time for spiritual growth as well. It's a time to realize your full potential and to talk with God that you might guide this child in righteousness. I pray for guidance to raise this little one that has been entrusted to me and my husband.

I've come to realize the absolute best part of pregnancy was having Colton by my side. Even when he couldn't physically be there, his presence was. Luckily my fingers didn't swell so I had the constant reminder of an eternal companion on my left hand. I love seeing him get excited about baby things even though it took him awhile.

I don't know what I would do without him as a companion. When I found out I would be having a c section, I was so distraught! I was mad that the doctors would tell me 4 weeks before my due date that I should lose the ideas of birth I had in my head because they were not going to happen. I was depressed for a whole week. It was not fun to work and I definitely shed many tears in between phone calls and other duties. I kept telling my self that I've accepted it trying to keep my anxiety down. It has definitely resurfaced with full force but it's at least a little comforting that I am not alone. Yes, I may cry for the next three days but this family will be stronger because we will be together.

I am grateful for all the friends who talked me through the hard times and the family that was there in many ways. My family has given me emotional and physical support the whole time and I feel so blessed to be a part of it.

I am so happy to be welcoming Ellie into this mad world. She will be greatly protected by her parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. I cannot wait to introduce you to her! Thank you all for your love and support.

-Ani

PS
I realize there are a lot of woman who are not given the opportunity to bear children in this life and I am sensitive to that. So to those who struggle or may be deeply saddened by this, just remember all glory belongs to the Father. He has a plan and there is perfect reason behind our trials on this Earth. The true happiness will come in it's own time when we walk with God. In the eternities, if we are righteous, we will have our kingdoms and the families we desire. Some may not even get the chance to marry in this life but the patient will all gain eternal reward.

The Luckiest Girl

The past month I've found Colton and myself mentioning how blessed we are. In the car on the way to the grocery store, as I'm getting tucked in to bed and even when we're cleaning the kitchen. I have been grateful for the life I've been given and the opportunity I have to lead my own life, with choices and consequences. It brings a smile to my face when I hear Colton say, "I don't know what anyone is talking about when they say the first year of marriage is hard." Either I'm doing something completely right as a first time wife or we are extremely blessed.

Yes, today is my one year anniversary and I don't have anything to complain about! Colton is right in saying we've had a very easy year together. Every one told us how hard it would be to transition from single to married life and how we would fight but learn important things from it. Well, we have had our differences but neither of us think we "fight." I know I'm not the best communicator but Colton has definitely opened me up more than I was and I'm getting better. It's comforting knowing I have someone who encourages me to speak my mind and though it has taken patience on his part, I eventually always do. 

I thought the hardest things for me would be moving to vegas (so far away from my family), and learning to share finances with another person. It took some adjusting to those but it wasn't necessarily "hard." For one, I honestly think I'm "living the life." For two, it's easier to be financially stable with more than just one income. The blessing I've found in sharing finances with Colton is we keep each other in check. We know what we want to put into savings and we can talk about what's needed vs what's wanted. Yes, we are driven by our wants sometimes because it's fun and we can afford to at the moment. This is the most surprising because after all the advice was given about a hard first year, I thought we would struggle a ton in the financial arena. I just expected it.

Every day I can honestly tell myself I made the right choice. I think there is so much pressure put on young adults to make the right decision that it's natural to doubt. I'm a compulsive worrier and thought I would always wonder in small degrees if there was some road less travelled by that I should've taken but this is not the case. As cheesy as it sounds, I know every broken heart and every opportunity lost brought me to where I am. There is a reason I got rejected more than once to the Disney College internship. There is a reason I transferred colleges and there is a reason my dad was always right! No matter how hard I fought The Great Houdini's wisdom, it was always going to turn out this way so long as I was choosing the right. I wasn't wasting time in other relationships, I was growing to be a better woman and to gain experiences I will now be able to pass on to my daughter. It's not to keep her from making mistakes or forcing her to live a certain way but I'm sure it will help me bond with all my children. It helps me realize everyday that I am simply a human being and even though my goal is to be Super Woman, it's better knowing I'm the daughter of a king who found my prince charming eventually. 

I am grateful I have this knowledge too. Who else feels this way? Do you feel the happiness of simply knowing? Of learning? Or feel the blessing of retaining information? To know is a very powerful thing. To love unconditionally and be loved in return is pure bliss. When you know love, problems seem to fix themselves in time.

I could go on forever about how lucky I am but I think I'm about to reach the point of gloating and I don't want that! I recognize the good things that have happened and the happiness it has brought me and my husband. I truly believe this is in everyone's reach. I wish I could share this feeling and help people find it through positivity. I'm not positive all the time but when I get a feeling like this, it's hard to remember what negativity is.

Here's to another year with my sweetheart and a new adventure with our daughter. I hope we can always remember our blessings and the things we've learned in this first year. I love you, Colton!

-Ani

Total Eclipse of Emotions

Anyone who read my last post knows how I've been affected by hormones recently. This is definitely all about my emotions and what I've felt recently so you might want to stop reading now. You've received your warning!

Yesterday I woke up late for a doctors appointment and experienced total panic. I HATE the feeling you get when you have missed something, especially when it's after you wake up. The sinking stupidity that you feel when you sleep through your alarm clock and are late for work is exactly what I felt. Once I called the office to get a later appointment I was relieved and left to be happy again.

I've had some bad experience with the doctor's office I go to mostly through hours of waiting and staffing besides the doctors. That being said, I was determined to not be bothered by anything that may arise. I walked in, signed in, filled out a form and patiently waited, I wasn't waiting too long so I was still a happy girl by the time I got to see the doctor.

While in the office I got my exam and after finding out I am not dilated at all, I received a quick ultrasound to see baby's position. I was NOT surprised when they told me she was sitting straight up just as I do every day. Her head is close to my heart and her feet are dancing on my bladder. I was surprised, however, when they next told me this position would make it so I have to have a cesarean section. If you know me then you know this almost made me pass out thinking of being cut and stitched but instead I tried to talk to the doctor calmly and fought back tears until she left. If she does not change position then we will have to go through with the scheduled operation for the safety of my little sweetheart. We are praying for the best and if it so be she will not turn, we will be grateful for a healthy baby.

The wave of emotions came as we were driving away. The surprise of this news sent me in a million different directions. I felt everything! I was a little angry that this could be my fault not doing enough exercises or being proactive like all the other pregnant people around me. I've been so caught up in work and enjoying the time I have with Colton, being just us, that I just haven't felt I've prepared myself physically or adequately. After the anger was the sadness. I was slowly sinking into my brain trying to figure this out and deal with this and it just made me sad. I was sad and still am utterly afraid of what could happen.

The fear hit me hardest. I just never considered that this could be an option unless there were complications during my "planned" natural birth. Then I felt selfish. I became angry that I wouldn't have considered this.

Then I felt relieved. Once I accepted that this is a new possibility, I realized it's kind of great knowing when my baby will come and that she will be safer if I get over my fear and take one for the team. We still pray something will change but I know the best thing will happen for me and my family. We have THREE weeks and a lot could change.

That is my spectrum of emotions and after all is said and done, I am still exhausted! I am grateful we know good from evil, and happiness from sadness but I never thought I would need to experience so many opposites in one day.

Your prayers are appreciated for our little girl but we know the best will happen. This news is not the end of the world but simply the beginning decision that will help Ellie start her life safely.

-Ani

Break outs

As an expecting mommy, I didn't expect much from pregnancy. There are too many sources that will tell you what will happen during your pregnancy. I had to stop reading them because I am totally different. EVERYONE IS! Now my research is mostly just to find out if what's happening to my body could be natural from pregnancy or if I should be worried because it could be harmful. Here are a few of MY struggles:

HORMONES
One thing that I've found to be the most common ground in these "many sources" is hormones. The female body is doing a lot of work during pregnancy even though we don't physically have to control it (thank goodness). There is so much change happening and our hormones are not balanced in the slightest. It's easy to get worked up over little things.

I've always been an emotional person. I would shed a tear or feel my throat tighten every time I express my love for something. Any one who has heard me talk about my Savior or how blessed I feel will know this. Even if it's about silly things, I'm driven by my conviction and I can't always control the emotions that come with it. Knowing this about myself, I certainly did expect to be an emotional pregnant woman but I am surprised by the way it approaches me.

I say this because it's an out of body feeling. I know how to breathe and calm down but when you just start crying and cannot control it, I feel really silly!! The other week at work, I was just about to go home but decided to answer one last phone call so my colleague wouldn't have to. Looking back, I should've just walked away and not thought twice because what happens next left me scarred. A guest called very upset that something with his order wasn't right. The payment information he provided was declined and it was ALL OUR FAULT. He threw out accusations that we had double and triple charged his card and since it was declined now it's hurting his account etc etc. Trying to be calm and help the guest, I asked many questions trying to find out what exactly the situation was as I have not had a hand in this as of yet. Let's just say he wasn't having any of my questions. Apparently I'm supposed to know everything about every interaction my colleagues have with guests. Well, he wouldn't answer my questions and was ALL too happy to yell at me and tell me what I need to do. "YOU need to read YOUR notes!" "YOU need to stop charging my card!""YOU messed up!" (A guest like this I can only assume he wanted me to simply say, "I'm sorry, let me comp that for you.") Well pregnant and innocent me couldn't handle being yelled at and told that I'm worthless so cue the tears!!

I even nicely placed him on hold to take a step back before I tried one more time to calm him down. Silly me thought I could actually help someone who didn't deserve to be helped with such strong accusations. Coming back on the phone, he wouldn't let me get a single word in so I told him he can talk to my manager. I couldn't even transfer him or explain the situation before I was bawling like a child. I could only imagine my ugly crying face and my loud sobbing did nothing but scare the whole department. It truly was an out of body feeling. Almost as if I sat and watched myself crying in the mirror. I knew none of this was my fault and come next week I wouldn't even remember his name (thanks again to pregnancy I am super forgetful like that). I just could not control myself and nothing I would do could calm me down. In the end, not only could I not calm down, I was so embarrassed by my lack of control I thought I was going to DIE!

ANGER
My sad emotions are just as strong as my mad ones. It's easy to be mad these days! The slightest things can tick me off and though I will not do much to express them, they build up inside of me and I am trapped living the moments over and over again in my head.

It's a dangerous in general for women to think, but to have a pregnant woman left alone to her thoughts and her anger is not advisable. If this is you too, drop what you're doing and tell someone about it! The forgiveness that was freely given prior is not so available now as stress overcomes you. I know I need release. It used to be dancing or going for a run which is not so easy these days. So, here I am... BLOGGING.

APPEARANCE
If you didn't feel good about your appearance before pregnancy, that's not likely to change afterwards. I try to imagine myself one way as a pregnant woman but when I look in the mirror that image is shattered. I guess I'm still hoping next time I look I will be able to see my six pack again. With pregnancy, my skin has gotten dryer, my muscles weaker and my hair is untamable.

STRESS
I would like to say baby girl has made me feel younger in some ways. There is no doubt I am reliving high school all over again. I'm so stressed out that I am more emotional and MY FACE... breaking out like nothing I've experienced before. Stress acne is not cute and hurts the "appearance" department. Building stress also helps the anger department for sure. I hope this goes away soon but I know no medicated facial cleanser can help with stress. I need meditation and a good yoga class but first I need to find the energy to get out of my house!

Despite all the emotions, the stress, the anger, and the appearance problems it really is amazing to see the changes that come with pregnancy. I know it's such a blessing to be a mother. I don't mean to complain about pregnancy, I really love it. But it has its challenges and things you cannot control. My body is making something that will bring me such joy for a lifetime to come and I'm doing it hand and hand with the Lord. It's a great opportunity to be a creator and to aspire to my divine potential as a mother and a teacher. I've always wanted to be a teacher but not so much in the school setting. I cannot wait to play with this little girl and laugh with her. My husband is my best friend but I think my love is expanding and pretty soon I will have TWO best friends. Who says you can't be friends with you children? I'm going to prove you wrong. My circle of friends is only going to get bigger!

-Ani